Cultivating the Skill of Zooming Out

Over the past several weeks, I have been focusing on my skills and abilities that have helped me in maintaining recovery over the last (almost) four years. These skills have carried over into all areas of my life. Yet, they began with eating and keeping my food. I am going to share a few of these skills and how they have evolved for me.

First and foremost, it is important to recognize the reasons for these skills to have been cultivated.

Five years ago, every waking moment of my life was consumed by three things: food, exercise, and body image. I made plans with friends based off of how my jeans felt or if it conflicted with the power abs class at my gym. If my boyfriend wanted to go out to eat, I would insist upon going to restaurants where I knew that the bathrooms were conducive to purging. I called out sick to work because I was spent from binging and purging all night long. My life revolved around my food. I had to fit my life in where ever it did not conflict with my disorder's demands.

Taking it a step further, you have to understand that when all of this was going on I did not recognize it. I could not have explained it to you in the way that I did in that last paragraph. I was not capable of connecting the dots between my disgust for my thighs and my lack of a social life. I saw those as two separate and distinct problems which I fixated upon relentlessly. I did not see the chain reaction. I didn't see how my self-hatred was the first domino. My mind could not do that. All I could do was look in the mirror and gawk at the cellulite on my thighs. I would pinch and prod at myself for hours on end.

Here is why.

Research into cognitive processes has revealed two main deficits in individuals with eating disorders: central coherence and set shifting. If you are interested in learning some more about this here is the link to the video Eating Disorders in Adolescents. The basics is that central coherence involves the ability to see the big picture and set shifting involves being able to move readily from one task to another. Researchers are not sure if the deficits in these cognitive styles causes eating disorders or if the eating disorders causes the deficits in these cognitive styles. They only know that individuals with eating disorders tend to have these difficulties.

When you look at the practical applications, it makes perfect sense. Difficulties with central coherence made it possible for me to binge, purge, restrict, over exercise, skip class, ditch my friends, do drugs, drink excessively, and engage in a plethora of other maladaptive behaviors without recognizing the relationship. I did not see the big picture that I was in trouble and I was hurting myself. I just saw: I am fat. I just ate nachos. I feel disgusting. I have to purge. I have to purge. I have to purge. The reality that I was then missing out on life opportunities and experiences because of this didn't even occur to me.

Taking it a step further, this is also where set shifting comes into play. All I could think about was purging until I did it. Once it entered into my mind, there was not a god damned thing to do except to purge because I could NOT get my mind away from it. I was locked in. It didn't matter that my friends were waiting for me or I was at work or I had homework to do. The ONLY thing that mattered was purging.

Alright so... what changed?

In some ways, nothing. In other ways, everything. At the core of this is that I recognized what I was doing. I suddenly snapped out of it and would have these moments of clarity where I could see the big picture or the obsessions. Unfortunately, I still did not know what to do to change it.

The Steps For Learning How to Zoom Out

Step One: Recognize that you are fixating. Begin to notice when you are choosing to comfort your body image rather than friends/family/responsibilities. Begin to recognize that you are plowing down paths with no way out (I HAVE TO BINGE/PURGE/RESTRICT/WORKOUT). Just start to pay attention to and recognize that this is even happening. This will take longer than you would like it to.

Step Two: Begin to throw wrenches into your own gears. In moments where you recognize that step on is going on and you are feeling particularly strong, try to change it. This will start with small things. This must begin with direct opposites. For example, if you recognize that you are skipping going to dinner with friends who are in town because it conflicts with your yoga class.... GO TO DINNER. If you feel awful and gross, then dress up hotsy totsy and try to get some compliments. Actively challenge these processes. Even if it is after they have already begun. If you can do something... DO IT. Again, this will take much longer than you would like it to.

Step Three: Begin to fight with the thought processes. Argue with that eating disordered voice. Rationalize with it. Tell her that you aren't fat, because you got compliments on a day when you felt like you were (see Step Two). When that urge to purge just starts coming up, tell it NO. Argue that you have a, b, and c to do. That people are counting on you. Instead of doing something once these things have begun to spiral out of control, combine Steps One and Two so that you are actively recognizing and altering these thought patterns.

Step Four: Start to look outside of your food and your body. Look at your life. Now that you are actually living it, you are going to start running into these processes all over the fucking place. Being bullheaded and unable to drop a touchy subject with a friend. Getting aggravated that someone brought you something reduced fat for lunch instead of seeing that they were trying to express their love for you by bringing you lunch. Yet again, this will take an exorbitantly long time.


I am actually still on Step Four. So, I don't know what Step Five is. If I were to divide it up, then it is about a year of diligent work on each step. So, I will give you an update on further steps next year.

The point to all of this is that part of recovery is making the difficult changes from the inside out. Seeing the errors in the way that you think about and experience the world around you. Then taking active steps to rectify those errors. At first, this will be a very conscious process. This will be difficult. It will involve an exceptional amount of hindsight in the beginning. That is how real learning occurs. You make mistakes.

The rewards are bountiful. They carry over into everything that you do. Now, when I look at myself naked in the mirror... I still see cellulite.... But I also see health, curves, beauty, femininity, strength, and progress. When I zoom in, I still wish that I didn't have stretch marks or cellulite; but when I zoom out, I marvel at how I ever thought that my body was anything but breathtaking. I don't dread the mirror anymore. I practically make love to it.

It is about more than just the body image. It is about me not spending anymore time thinking about what I am going to eat than if I am going to pack it or pick it up. It is about all those wasted hours now being spent on my loved ones, school work, laundry, and life.

Recovery is hard. It is hard to change the deep errors within our selves. It is hard to even see them. It is painful. You will cry. You will want to give up. You will probably give up a few times along the way. Yet, I swear to you that it will all be worth it when you make it to Step Four.

If it wasn't hard, then it wouldn't be worth it.