I am trying to figure out how to go about this post without being too revealing of personal details and still able to focus upon the reality of the situation. Hmmm. Tricky tricky tricky.
Well, my ex boyfriend read(s) my blog. He practically stalked it yesterday. (Duh). I got a bit peeved when I got a comment from him to approve. Not because I have a problem with him reading. Because I told him that I needed space to deal with all of this. That I needed him to be respectful of that. So, I told him. Which opened up a conversation.
Why is it that in every fight there are a multitude of layers of total and complete bullshit that you have to sort through before you get to the actual point? It is not at all time efficient.
Well, sure enough, not only were there layers of bullshit that were organically there... He had also contrived an additional layer of bullshit. Which, I am not going to lie... Is silly and immature and a bit hurtful; but, he is a bit new to this whole "being challenged" thing. So, I am just going to drop it. He eventually told me on his own. I also knew that it was total and complete bullshit from the beginning. I just made the decision to play with the cards that he dealt me. (Being the Brain Ninja that I am).
The end result of the three hours that we spent texting last night is not much different than yesterday. We still aren't together. We still want to be together. He still isn't ready to be together. I am still a brain ninja and able to see the totality of the situation. So, the stalemate has become official and time will have to tell.
He asked for time to see if he could find a middle ground. I have no problem giving that to him. None at all. I don't no how long that will take, neither does he. I know that I have plenty to keep myself occupied in the mean time. More than enough, actually.
I made one and only one request: that he talk to me.
Why? Because I am a Brain Ninja.... that's fucking why.
I have no desire to tell him what to do. I have no desire even say much of anything back. But he needs to say those things. And realize that I am not going anywhere because of it. Which I think brings me to my point.....
The thing about therapy is that it is not curative. It is not like getting a prescription. A+B does not =C. Not when it comes to the inner workings of a human being. It takes a multitude of tactics and an immense amount of time to even figure out what the problem is, assuming that there even is a "problem". Then, you have to do something about it.
The doing is all what the person in therapy does. They are the only ones responsible for bringing about change in their lives. The reason why therapy is helpful is because it gives that individual an outlet for all of the things within themselves that they have deemed unsavory to reveal to others. Things that they are afraid, ashamed, or unwilling to acknowledge within themselves. Unfortunately, the only way that they will stop thinking or feeling those things is if they get them out.
I cannot tell you how many times I have experienced a radical shift in my world view simply from saying something out loud. To either my therapist or a very close friend. Talking is cathartic. So long as it is poignant.
There is this unfair stigma attached to therapy. That there is something wrong with it. That you are in therapy because you are broken or you need fixing or you can't handle your life on your own. That's wrong. Therapy is for anyone who can recognize that there are things within themselves that they are not at peace with. That they desire to have peace with.
Writing can have a similar effect. However, simply having another human being give you an honest reaction or to be in relation with you while you explore these things... that is what makes all the difference. Realizing that there is someone who can see what it is that you are trying to say. Realizing that you are able to say all of those things and not have another human being run for cover. That is what helps eliminate that shame or fear or unsettled emotion.
I love my therapists. I have had a fair few of them. I have had four primary therapists that I can remember. I have been in groups with about a half dozen other therapists. They all bring something wonderful to your life. Primarily, because they don't expect anything from you. They do not judge you. They do not care what it is that you do. It has no impact on them. They just want you to find peace. They want you to get to a point where nothing can touch you, either. They want you to be able to be safe with the emotions within yourself and within others. That takes compassion. That takes a lot of healing and a lot of time. Not to mention awareness.
I think that I have finally reached that point. I think that I really am getting to where I can separate myself from others. Where I can still be genuine and in relation with them; but, I am not worried about what they do. I know that I will be able to handle my end of the bargain.
Further, I have been through so much that I can recognize the human need in so many others. I can recognize that I did so many things that were probably difficult for my loved ones to watch; but, it had not a thing to do with them. I can also recognize that doing all of those things were necessary for me to become the person who I am today. A person that I find indispensable and incredibly valuable to the world in which I live. I do not think that position will be altered much at this point in time.
I have experienced another shift.
I am recognizing that it isn't all about me. I am finally starting to be able to look outside of myself and see what it is that is going on with those around me. I am starting to feel more comfortable with my own personality. I don't feel as though I need to be accepted. I already am. I can recognize that it isn't always my fault. In fact, in many cases it has little to do with me.
In the case with my recent ex boyfriend, I know that it has jack shit to do with me. I know that it has to do with who he is as a person. It has to do with his pursuit to find himself. He has been hurt just as I have. It had nothing to do with me. It isn't my responsibility, fault, or problem. However, it is my concern. It doesn't have to impact me any further. I have already distanced myself from what it is that is going on with him. I have already been able to see what it is that is happening in him. I saw it months ago. I was waiting for him to come out with it. He didn't go about it beautifully, but then I don't know how I would have been able to handle it either.
I have never been able to be like this before. I have never been able to so completely understand what it is that is going on within another human being. Not because I know the details. Not because it necessarily makes sense or I am ok with it. Just because I can see that he is trying to find his place. He is going through a huge transition. My presence in his life was too much for him right now. Not because he didn't want me there, simply because he has to focus inwards.
I have been there. I didn't bother to be honest with the person that I was with. I tried to placate them. It prolonged my process. By a lot.
I have no idea if this will work out. I tend to think that it won't. However, there is some little part in me that tells me this is the right thing to do. That this is the only thing to do. If nothing else, he and I will simply become important figures in each other's lives. I can't argue with that.
I feel strangely at peace and ok. I don't feel distracted. I don't feel panicked or weighted. I feel like I have finally accepted myself as I am, by accepting someone else as they are.
Therapy is one hell of a drug <3
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