"Now, what is your weight?"
"I actually don't know. I haven't weighed myself in 3 years. I don't want to know."
"It says here that you are XXX pounds. That doesn't sound right. You don't look like you weigh that much."
"No. That doesn't sound right. I am usually somewhere in the XXX range. Thanks."
"I will have to ask the nurse to weigh you again. Would you mind putting on a gown?"
*facepalm*
He forgot to weigh me again. Thank god. It will take me weeks to feel safe in recovery again if I can forget that number. I hate numbers. I will worry until I forget it. Once I forget it, I will probably have to go back.
I'm finding another new doctor........ *sigh*
I am going to tie this up with a few other recent occurrences and then tie it back to the rest of my doctor's visit.
Tuesday evening I had my relatively ritual chat with (one of) my favorite professor. We tend to talk mostly about the current events in our lives and psychology and students. At this point, I consider him to be a close friend and mentor. I value his advice. He is never shy about offering it. Although, it usually comes in the form of a question.
"I don't know if there will ever be a time in my life where I won't see a therapist"
"So, you're a lifer?"
"Haha yeah. Probably. Although, I don't think that I actually need therapy for any kind of diagnosable problem anymore. I just value having the opinion of someone who is outside of the glass and looking in at my life. There is so much more that an outsider can see."
"You don't think that there will ever be a time when you won't need someone else's opinion? Where you will be satisfied with your own perspective and worldview? You don't think that you will actually take a break?"
"Well, I am sure that I will eventually take a break. I think that I will reach maximum capacity for my worldview at some point. I haven't yet, though. There are still a lot of things that limit me in my life. I still have a lot of problems with things that I should not."
"Really? I wouldn't have guessed that. Like what? I mean, can you give me an example?"
"Drive-thrus. I still can't go through drive-thrus."
I then proceeded to explain to him how drive-thrus were a huge component of my eating disorder and my episodes. The sad reality is that, if I am 100% honest, I have had slips from trying to push the drive-thru envelope in far more recent weeks than I am actually willing to admit. I tried, for the sake of trying. And I still failed.
*sigh*
Later that same evening, I went to catch up with a childhood friend of mine. I haven't seen her in probably a solid year and a half or so? Not sure. Our dads were friends back in their party days and we spent the baby years together. We didn't spend much time together between 12 and 19, though. The middle school and high school years were spent apart.
She is this very petite little blonde thing. She isn't a toothpick or anything. She is just short. She has a very cute little curvy figure. I have always thought that she just had a very natural and feminine figure. Never saw any problems with it.
We got into talking about new boyfriends. Ironically, both of them have the same name. Further, the dynamics of the relationships seem to be very similar; but, the roles are reversed. If I want to be black and white about it, anyway.
Well, she started talking about how she isn't comfortable being intimate or naked around him. I asked her why on earth she would feel uncomfortable?!
"Well, this is the biggest I've been! I just don't feel like I look good. I mean look. If I bend to the side, then there is this little roll. See? That never used to be there. I feel like my movement is inhibited. I just feel blech. He likes to put his hands on my stomach and I just recoil. He says I feel soft. I don't want to feel soft."
"What's wrong with feeling soft? That's feminine and supple. He says that he likes how you feel. What's wrong with that?!"
"I don't know. I mean to me, soft just means flabby."
*sigh*
I have been sick on and off for a few weeks now. Sick a bit, then ok, sick a bit, then ok; but, never more than a few days in either direction. Well, I got really sick starting Tuesday night. I have pretty much slept this entire time. I also haven't been able to eat very much. Everything just seems unappetizing. I forced myself to eat three different kinds of soup yesterday. That was about it.
Normally, when I am sick. I don't allow my lack of appetite to impact my food consumption. It makes me anxious to allow things to get in the way of my food. If I notice that I am getting a secondary gain of possible weight loss out of something; then, I immediately overcompensate for it.
I just couldn't bring myself to do it this time.
I did not like the thoughts that I had getting in and out of the shower today as a result. It just forced me to mentally bitch slap myself back into recovery mode.
Only to go and have the doctor tell me my weight. -_-
He also told me that I should look into cutting out gluten and lactose. I have done it before and it has helped with my energy levels a lot. He reminded me that for someone who has chronic fatigue and headaches and constant digestive problems, gluten and lactose can be very irritating and harmful. He also reminded me that processed sugars can have the same impact. He wants me to try to cut them all out for a full month after I finish my antibiotics.
These incidents are all tying together to form one big picture for me. One that my professor laid out in one very perfect question:
Am I going to be a lifer?
The thing about all of these instances is that I have a handle on it. I can already feel the number of my weight fading further and further into the back of my mind. I already told my ED voice to fuck off when she suggested that I get on the scale at the gym just to make sure. I already went straight to the grocery store and got myself some calorie rich and gluten free food. I decided that I would still soothe my PMS with some dark chocolate almonds and dark chocolate pistachio toffee. He said that I had until the antibiotics were over....
I am ok. I am safe enough in my recovery to push myself. I have a good support system and I know my red flags. I know what I can and can't do; but, I also know how to cope healthily if I do.
I remember when I was in treatment, we went on outings every once in a while. The therapists would drive us to CVS or a movie or to lunch. We got out of lock up at least twice a week. Well, one of these outings resulted in a conversation that will always resonate with me. It is one of those memories that is clear in your head. Like a movie reel. I even remember what exit we got onto the freeway at.
One of the girls was talking to the therapist (who happened to be quite slim, naturally):
"How do you know what the right amount of exercise is?"
"Ha! I am not the right person to ask that question."
"What do you mean? You are so tiny! You exercise."
"Ha! Actually, no I don't. I ended up in a wheelchair when I was sick from running too much. I haven't exercised much since I got out of treatment years ago."
"So, you don't exercise at all?"
"Well, I am actually trying to start again. I am getting older and it is just unhealthy now. It isn't because of the weight. My weight is fine. Unfortunately, my muscles and my joints aren't. My doctors have been trying to get me to start. I guess that when I got into recovery, I just went from one extreme to the other."
"Wow. I don't know if I could ever not exercise."
In my head, I was thinking the exact same thing. I thought that the therapist was lying to us. I thought that it was impossible. I couldn't stand only being able to go on 20 minute walks three times a week, yoga twice a week, and an hour of light weights twice a week. I thought that was incredibly restrictive and impossibly limiting with regards to my exercise. I also didn't consider myself an over exerciser. Yeah, to me, 3-5 hours at the gym was 5 times a week was completely normal. HA!
Well, I am coming up on 4 years since my discharge and almost 3 years since I had my daughter. I can tell you in complete honesty that I have done the exact same thing that therapist did. I have not had a steady or healthy work out regimen, ever. I will try to start one and then the numbers freak me out. I don't even put my weight into the machine (don't know it, remember); but, the calories still count and I still focus on them. It pisses me off, so I stop going. I will do yoga regularly for about a month (max) and then I will get sick again. I won't start it back up.
Unfortunately, I have found this very safe area for myself. One that is still full of extremes; but, extremes that seemed to be the healthy counter to my previous ones. Which, they were. They were helpful for a very long time. That period of time was necessary in order for me to gain the necessary confidence. See, although I am nervous about finding a middle ground, it is anxiety and not fear. I know I can do it, I am just worried about the process.
It is time for me to lower my head down and charge again. In yet another area of my life.
It seems that this whole process of introspection and evolution is never ending for me. I am constantly finding things that are not to my satisfaction. I don't deem them wrong. I just think that I can do better. I can always do better.
So, I will be attempting the following in the pursuit of better health:
- Eliminating gluten, dairy, and meat (except fish) from my diet. (I already agreed to eliminate the meat for my dad.) While still maintaining an adequate intake of calories and eating six times a day.
- Limiting my intake of processed sugars (I can't give up chocolate... I draw the line there) and caffeine (two quad shots a day is not healthy).
- Limiting my alcohol intake. I will not permit myself to have more than 3 glasses of wine once a week. Except for a once a month intoxication if it is a social event (i.e. girls night)
- Implementing the exercise regimen from my treatment facility:
- yoga 2-3 times per week (45 minutes)
- cardio 3-4 times per week (20 minutes)
- weights 2-3 times per week (45 minutes)
- Trying to meditate once a day....
- Social events (I won't skip the yoga to hang out and watch Futurama; but I will skip it if there is a big family dinner or friendly outing)
- Caloric intake. (if I am on a road trip or there is no food available that fits into this, then I will eat what is available to me and not skip a meal)
- Homework (if I have an exam to study for, then that comes before exercise
- Health (if I am sick, then I will not force myself to exercise)
There. I feel as though that is a health centered and not weight centered lifestyle change. I typically shy away from putting these kinds of details on here. However, I would hope that this helps those of you who are still struggling to see that it is possible to develop a healthy middle ground. I will obviously keep you all posted on how I am doing with all of this. I am a bit nervous about it. However, I feel a lot better having given myself the wiggle room in the not portion.
I will also NEVER do any of the following again:
- weigh myself
- count calories (making sure that you are within range is different than keeping a tally, ladies)
- push my body beyond a healthy limit
- take diet pills or supplements targeted at weight loss or energy increase
- fit my life into my food or exercise
I am doing this to push myself towards better self confidence in my recovery. I am trying to put myself through some exposure therapy to prove to myself that I can handle this. I am not legitimately concerned about it. I am nervous and anxious and a bit worried; but, I know that I have the peace of mind to make it through. I know that my daughter deserves to have a model of balance rather than of chosen extremes.
Peace, love, and strength my dears :)
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