Time to Bolster My Existential Courage

I have been a bit of a Debbie Downer recently. I won't apologize for that. It is all part of the process. Which is the whole point of this blog: to reveal that learning to function effectively is a challenge throughout the recovery process. There are always going to be challenges outside of your food.

The food is only the beginning.

There are a few things that help me in these difficult periods of time. Well, more accurately, things that make the perpetual difficulties seem less overwhelming. Which is what makes the hard times more periodic and less perpetual. ;)

I will make a brief list and then I will explain as necessary:

- Everything happens for a reason.
- Life is short, it is what we make of it.
- "Of course it hurts, the trick is not to care".
- Only try to change the things that I can.
- Count my blessings and my accomplishments.
- Remember, there is always someone who is worse off than you.
- I am still distorted; delegate some judgements to those who are not.
- "The greatest thing you can ever learn is just to love and be loved in return".




Everything happens for a reason.
     I know that this is one of those trite sayings that makes us angry as teenagers. The thing is that it is true. Sometimes, it may take you years to recognize why something awful has happened to you. You will, though. There is always a reason. Furthermore, the best reasons take longer to realize. Whenever something difficult comes up and I have utilized all of my permitted energy on fretting, I begin to search for reasons. They aren't going to be the real one. I can't possibly know why something is happening before it has run its course. Yet, the process helps me to relax and to remember that life is about the journey. You can never know your destination. If you can let go of the need for control. If you can stop fretting about what you thought was supposed to happen, then you will experience the joys of what does happen. It is difficult to do. For me, it has become a common practice. If I can find no reasons. If my reflection leaves me empty handed. I have to accept that the reason is bigger than my scope of knowledge. Which means that it could be wonderful.

Life is short, it is what we make of it.
     The reality of the matter is that we are all going to die. There is no way around it. One way or another, we will all die. Some of us will die of old age. More of us will die of unforeseen circumstances. Plenty of us will die of cancer. Regardless of how it happens, it will happen. It could happen five minutes from now. Life is short. Life is precious. So, how do you want to live the life that you are given?
     If you accept that you will die. Then, there are two options for you. Either you panic and attempt to protect yourself from every eventuality and close yourself off from opportunity; or, you free yourself and attempt to open yourself up to every eventuality and welcome every opportunity. Personally, I feel that the latter is more pleasant. When I am confronted with things that are difficult or challenging or painful, I try my best to make something beautiful out of it. I would rather have good thoughts about this short life of mine than to dwell on the unpleasantness of it.

"Of course it hurts, the trick is not to care".
     There is no way to not feel the sting that comes from a slap across the face. You can't pretend that you don't. That is lying to yourself. That is hiding from the truth. That is cowardly, not courageous. So, you just have to learn not to care that much. You will always encounter things in this life that you cannot do much about. You just have to grit and bear it. So, you must find a way to accept these things. You must find a way to keep them from impacting your daily existence. So what if you are hurting, you still have to keep living this life. If you can recognize why something is painful, then you can let it go and keep it from continuing to hurt you.

Only try to change the things that I can.
     If you can't do something about it, then learn not to care. If you can do something about it, then fucking do it. The worst thing that you can do is to become a defeatist. You can't just accept everything as it comes. You have to make what you want out if this life. Therefore, if something in your life is making you miserable and you can do something about it, then do it. You have to accept responsibility for your life. Eat right, take your meds, get an appropriate amount of exercise, stand up for yourself, go to class, go to work, pay your bills, run your errands, tell your loved ones that you care, and change. Always change. Open yourself up to it. Get used to it. Make efforts to change things that you dislike. Make efforts to change things that could just get better. Then, when you are forced to accept changes that you don't like, you will be more practiced at the process.

Count my blessings and my accomplishments.
     I cannot stress enough how much it means to pat yourself on the back. It is one thing to count your blessings. It is another thing to count your accomplishments. Your blessings are things that you have been given. Accomplishments are things that you must find on your own. You may have been given a father; but your relationship with him is an accomplishment. Do not take the little things that you do each day for granted. Personally, I like to count my blessings when I wake up and my accomplishments before I go to sleep. Start the day knowing what you are given, end the day knowing what you have done.

Remember, there is always someone who is worse off than you.
     It is another one of those trite things which is really helpful in dark times. I remember when my mother died and then my grandfather died and then the custody dispute started. All in the course of about two and a half months. I was on my way to meet with my lawyers and a friend of mine was stopped at the light next to me. I rolled down the window and we started talking. I told her I was having a crappy day. She tells me "My friend's wife just died. She gave birth to twin boys a couple of weeks ago. They died and then she died. So, someone is having a worse time than you are". I instantly felt ashamed. You don't have to go to starving children in Africa to remember that your problems could be worse. Don't diminish them. Just put them into perspective. Remember that you have the means to make things better. If things are really bad, then get a therapist.... they're helpful.

I am still distorted; delegate some judgements to those who are not.  
     I am still insecure. I am still fearful. I am still weak in many realms of my judgment. I recognize these. I recognize when I need someone else to help me see things clearly. I will turn to them and I will trust them. I will allow others to teach me when I can see that I am a novice. When I am uncertain of my body or my food. When I am worried about my relationship or my friendships. When I am in over my head and my ED voice begins to whisper pretty lies into my ear. That is when you turn outside yourself. That is when you ask for help.

"The greatest thing you can ever learn is just to love and be loved in return".
     This is not easy. This is hard. This requires your heart and your head and your trust. It is a battle. It is something that very few people ever truly accomplish in this life. It takes surrendering to something which is bigger than you are. Surrendering to the needs of another while maintaining your own. It is about balance. It is about the pinnacle of human existence. To accomplish this is to have accomplished something truly wonderful. Something that only you and one other person will be able to tangibly experience. This is my greatest pursuit. I do all of the others in order to get to this one. I must handle everything within myself before I can care for someone outside of myself. This is something that is crucial for everyone to understand. Love is wonderful. Yet, there are costs. There are always trade offs. You can't begin making trade offs before you know your own needs and abilities. Just keep the faith. Believe that you will find it when you have found yourself.

 
I feel better now.

Hope you all can glean something from this =)