"Wait, Did You Really Just Glaze Right Over That?"

Alright, will quick update: the boyfriend and I are alright again. Didn't take nearly as much time as our discussions had indicated for him to say "I've made a mistake". With all of the shit that men have put me through over the years, not a single one has ever said that. I have an immense amount of appreciation for that kind of ownership of one's actions. It also helps that he is just such a genuine sweetheart.

At any rate, this whole process has been opening my eyes to something that I think I started to touch upon in my last post. I am really starting to get myself together enough to where I actually am able to be there for other people. I was in my therapy session today (second one this week actually) and I was going into all the details with her. Then, I said something that she had to stop me and point out to me:

"It is just so weird to me. I am not used to being the calm one. I am not used to feeling like I actually have it together. Like I am in control of everything that it is that is going on in my life. I mean, things aren't quite where I want them to be; but, I know that they are heading in that direction. I just don't get derailed by things the same way that I used to".

It is such a wonderful feeling. Knowing that I am finally to a place in my life where I am who I want to be. There are little things that I need to keep working on. That will always be true. That is normal. Yet, I am ok with where I am and who I am and what I am doing. I no longer feel the need to be protected. I don't even want to be. I want to keep proving to myself that I can do all of this on my own. I won't really be changing that much more about my values over the next several years. I have gone through a rapid succession of huge life changes in the last four years that are beginning to come to a close. It feels pretty damn good to say that I think I came out on top, all things considered.

The best part about all of this is that I can finally feel outside of myself. I used to be so intent upon helping others. I took everything upon myself, except for my self. I stressed myself out trying to focus my efforts outwards. I wasn't ready to look at what was going on inside. Then, I had to. I looked at myself and I didn't like where I was at or what I was doing or where I was going. So, I turned inwards. I let a lot of people down; but, I renewed my trust in my self. Better yet, I built that trust from the ground on up.

I have spent the few years focusing my gaze increasingly inwards. I became incredibly self centered and fixated upon how every thing impacted me and my emotions. I was completely oblivious to those of others. Particularly in the moment. It wasn't because I didn't care. It was just that I had no knowledge of how I actually felt about things. I had to study myself. It was this intense phase of introspection. It made it nearly impossible for me to be truly accountable to those in my life.

Now, I finally understand myself in the moment. I don't need to spend hours reflecting just to grasp how a few minutes of my day impacted my emotions. I am able to recognize my own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in close to real time. If things get really intense, then I know how to do that introspection and get myself sorted out. I can handle myself now. 

That means that I am now able to look outside of myself. I am now able to do so in a way that is genuine and authentic and in line with my own needs. I don't overstretch myself the way that I used to. My desire to help is no longer a desperate or frantic pursuit to prove my own worth to myself and others. It is actually out of a genuine concern for people around me. My interests in their lives are sincere. I am finding it to be an incredibly eye opening and mind broadening.

This sense of internal stability has been growing in me for the last 6-8 months. I have been tested a fair amount in that time. I have managed to prove myself over and over again. Maybe not in the eyes of some of those around me; but, in my own. Which is the pair that I care most about.

I am not this weak, sniveling little girl anymore. I am not unsure of myself or my stance. I know what I am about. I know that I won't bend or break on very many areas for very many reasons. I am sure of myself. I know that I can actually stand to hold my load and help take some of the hardships off of others.

Thank goodness. Considering that I want to be a therapist in about 2-3 years.

Frankly, I think that I am going to be a brain ninja of epic proportions. That may sound cocky to some; but to me, it sounds like exactly what I have always wanted to say.


Bring it on all you scared, broken, unsure souls.... I am about to throw some ninja stars at your cognitive errors and repressed emotions.

By "about to", I obviously mean in a few years ;)



Peace, Love, and Strength