We like to play the Question Game. It tends to get us into a bit of trouble at times; but, we like to play it any way. Well, we spaced on moving the laundry to the dryer and decided we would camp out until it was dry so that security couldn't lock our sheets up. We brought smart phones and wine. Everything necessary for a good time when the two of us are together.
Que googling "awkward questions to ask on a date".
Oh yeah... we went there......
Well, after discussing most attractive features and common mistakes in relationships, we got to the good stuff.
"What is your idea of a truly successful relationship?"
Truth be told, I haven't spent much time thinking about successful relationships; only failed ones. So, I decided to wing it and answer as best as I could. For me, the ideal relationship shouldn't be much different from your relationship with your best friend; except that you live together and have sex. I think that a relationship that lasts needs to involve a level of communication and personal appreciation that goes beyond affections.
He answered that he wanted to be challenged. Which is where it got interesting. He actually admitted that he doesn't think he is right about everything and likes to have his mind broadened. I am pretty sure I had what can only be dubbed a mental orgasm. I love to challenge people!
Then, I hear that which makes me smile like a two year old being told that they can't put their feet on the table (which means I will try my ankle): "There are things that I won't change on, though. I have certain areas that are pretty much solid for me".
I being the curious type, ask for a few examples. He being the cautious type, gives me one that he knows I agree with. Pussy....
He doesn't like when I call him that. He does this cute southern things that I look like a retard when I try to mimic. It's like he sucks in air through his teeth with his lips. I don't know but I think it's by far the cutest way to express frustration. Plus, it usually means that I am going to get what the two year old in me wants: a challenge.
"Well, like the whole 'everything happens for a reason' nonsense".
(he obviously reads my blog...)
Oh yeah... here comes me referring to a Scrubs episode. Here is the clip from Season 6 Episode 14. Spoiler alert ;)
Now, this is where my mind has taken our little discussion down a new and interesting path. I did not always believe that everything happened for a reason. Real quick, for the sake of clarification, I do not think that a higher power or god or anything like that is the reason. I just like to believe that all of the events in our lives intertwine and we can't know how something bad can lead to something good; but we do know that things aren't always bad, so they must. Yet, I didn't always have this "solid area".
I was talking to my mentee the other day and she is struggling to keep hold of her identity as she goes through her first gain in the recovery process. I told her that she will lose the identity that she has and create a new one. A more wonderful and complete one. That is the truth as I have experienced it.
When you are in the depths of any kind of disease, addiction, or depression you are not yourself. You are merely a shadow of the person you could be. You will do whatever it takes to make it through each day. Even if you claim to have certain values or expectations, you will bend (even break) them in order to get through. If you find someone who claims to care for you, then you will become like them in order to keep them. If you get a job that requires something of you, you will become what they expect in order to keep it. Few things are worth any extra effort or critique outside of your disorder. You don't even realize it. It is just how you operate.
That is the hardest part about recovery. As you start to try and funnel energy away from your disorder, you begin to look more closely at other areas of your life. Suddenly, you begin to doubt the ways in which you do everything. Nothing is certain anymore. You have no solid areas.
The benefit of this is that you get to turn yourself into the person that you truly want to be. You can become the product of your own hard work rather than of your circumstances.
As I entered into recovery, I found that I liked very little about myself. I did not like my boyfriend. I did not like my style. I did not like my recreational activities. I did not like my outlook on life. I did not like my tattoo. I did not like my piercings. I did not like my fake nails. I did not like how superficial I was. I did not like how spoiled I was. I did not like how sheltered I was. I did not like that I had no deeper meaning or value in my existence.
So, I changed all of it.
Little by little I began to let go of and change the things that I did not like about myself. It was a difficult process. It is ongoing. Yet, it is thoroughly rewarding.
There are few things that I don't like about myself, now. I am still insecure. Yet, it is not nearly as pervasive as it was a few years back. Primarily because I know why I do all of the things that I do and I know that they are right, for the right reasons.
This is the gift that recovery brings. You get to create your own solid areas. From scratch. Exactly how you would like them.
If you have the courage to make the hard choices.
They are usually the best ones :)
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