It's a Beautiful Life

I apologize for my lack of posting!! Things have been more than a bit hectic for me lately. This is honestly the first time that I have gotten a solid half an hour block of time to myself in weeks. Yet, it has all been for good reasons and I am going to do my best to share.

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I spent several hours trying to do advanced statistics with a fever. I then spent a decent amount of time in bed. Later, I did my best to keep it together at dinner with my daughter. I even neglected to go to an extra credit opportunity at the last minute.

Why was it wonderful, then?

Well.... I was able to take a few hours to really savor where my life is at right now. Further, I was able to do this while I was living that life. I didn't have to hit the pause button to recognize the simple pleasures that surrounded me. I also did not have to frantically work over the major factors of my life to know that they are where they need to be.

It was a day of harmony, authenticity, and living life as it came.

I pushed myself. I honored myself. I realized what I could do and what I could not. I spoke my truth with little to no expectations regarding the response to it from others. I was able to be myself. To enjoy an imperfect day. To recognize that this is my life and to be perfectly content with it, just as it is.


I will be 25 years young in 36 days. For the first time in my life, I actually feel as though I am fulfilled. I feel as though there is nothing that I am truly struggling with or wanting to change.

This is the exact opposite of where I was exactly 5 years ago.

I flipped out about my 20th birthday the way that most people would freak out about their 40th. I looked at my life and I saw nothing that I liked. I was drowning in my disorder. I had attempted suicide for the 2nd time. I was losing my mother. I was dropping or flunking all of my classes at community college. I hated my boyfriend; but I was too weak to say a word about it. I coped with weed and alcohol and binging and purging and sex and exercise and law & order marathons. I truly had nothing good to say about myself or my life at that point in time.

Thank goodness that I had the ability to recognize that. To some degree or another. I wouldn't be so at peace today, if I had not felt so completely torn into pieces back then.

I was overwhelmed. I was panicked. I didn't know how to start or where to turn for help. I had nothing to focus on. Nothing to throw my energies into. I had no solid friendships or ambitions. I was a blob. I decided to hit the fuck it button and tackle as much as I could at once.

Five years later, I have nothing left to tackle. I have nothing within myself to fight against or to forcibly change. I will continue to evolve; but, there is no need to push it anymore. It will happen through the natural progression of my life and who I have become.

I have a beautiful daughter that is my pride and joy. Every time I see her I am blown away by how big and smart and funny she is becoming.  I can't believe how time has flown by. She will be three years old in a few weeks and I still remember waiting for her to be born. I could never ask for more in a daughter. That portion of my life is fulfilled.

I get my undergraduate degree in a field that I am passionate about in 14 days. I have worked hard and learned as much as I can for the last 4 years. It is finally paying off. I don't just feel like I am crossing something off of my list; but, like I am opening a door to a new world of knowledge and experiences. Last night I found out that I was admitted to my #1 Master's degree program. A new environment, a new degree, new professors, new peers, a whole new realm of knowledge await me in at the end of the summer.

I also have a fantastic summer ahead of me. Two of my best friends will be here with me for the summer. I get to live with one and work with the other. I won't be taking summer classes for the first time in 3 years! My phenomenal boyfriend with have his beautiful boys with him for the summer. So, I know that he will be happier than I have ever seen him... I am itching with anticipation. There are just so many things in my near future to look forward to.

Another wonderful realization has been that I am fulfilled and at peace in my romantic realm. For the first time in my life, I would not change a thing about who I am with or who I am with them. I am in love with him and who we are together. It is simple. There is not a damn thing that I find myself lacking in that relationship. In his arms I have a friend, companion, lover, rock, and partner. I can feel the energy between us. Even when we are a continent apart I don't feel alone. I am scared shitless. I don't want to lose who we are together. Yet, I know that I won't lose who I am if I ever lost him.

That is what makes me feel secure.

I could spend my life with him or never see him again. Either way, I will maintain my own identity and he will maintain his. There is no enmeshment, only entwining. We could be separated and remain whole. There would be no loss of self. Yet, together we are so much more than we are apart.

Another area of my life in which I am authentic and at peace. I just get to sit back and enjoy the ride. I get to revel in the journey that he and I will have together. That is beautiful.


Most importantly, I am content with myself. I am fulfilled in who I am. I know that I have a lot of things that I still want to do; but, I do not see many things left to fix. Simply to enhance.

I can eat and keep my food. Oh! For those of you who are interested, I have done quite well with the new dietary choices. I have found a pretty healthy balance between gluten, meat, and dairy elimination and indulgence. I went to NY for a few days and I had no problems or guilt enjoying a slice or a hot dog; but, I still opted for my preferred choices the majority of the time. Unfortunately, I have been sick twice in the past month and I haven't made it to the gym more than a couple of times. Still working on that end of the balance. However, I am not concerned or stressed about it in the slightest. It will evolve as appropriate.

My focus on health is now similar to that of most people. Colds, flus, sinus infections, back aches, and cricks in my neck. Not blood in my self-induced vomit, severe fatigue, hormonal imbalances (except for PMS), and losing my hair. My recovery is sound within my body and my mind.

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I got accepted to graduate school. My daughter squealed when she saw me. She fed me chutney with her fingers. My father told me that he was proud of me and so did my sister. My friend helped me finish my stats homework. My boyfriend confessed 10+ things that he was stupid in love with about me. My cat slept on my chest. His dog snuggled my armpit. I had 40-50 people congratulate me on my facebook page. I bought neon mini skirts and rhinestone shoes on sale at Target. All with a fever and losing my voice. All with no make up on. All in my sweat pants with rat's nests in my hair. All bloated with my period. All of it perfectly authentic and in balance.

Life is made up of simple pleasures. There are big markers along the way. They are few and far between. They do not give meaning or joy to our lives. They only give us cause to reflect upon the people, relationships, and circumstances that do. Let your markers guide you towards the path that suits your soul.


Peace, Love, and Strength