Triple Threat

When I woke up this morning, I did not realize that it was going to be a day for shifts to occur. There wasn't much about my plans that seemed to be the least bit inclined towards the purposes of introspection. Take daughter to daycare, fill out rental application, pick up sister, spend day with sister before taking her to the airport, give practice couple's assessment, and end it all with drinks & Magic Mike with the wifey. Doesn't seem all too earth shattering to me.

Oh how wrong I was.

I went to CPK with my sister for lunch. We were both famished and it was right across the street from Ikea (which wasn't far from the airport). We ordered an appetizer and salads. Now, my sister's salad was one of those mountainous salads that could feed two to three people. Mine, on the other hand, was one of those modest portion salads that you are supposed to eat in its entirety. Which I did.

Just as I was using the fork to scrape the delicious quinoa and feta remnants from my plate, the waiter in training came by to "check on us".... "Holy smokes were you hungry! Wow! You ate all of that! Is there anything else I can get you? Or are you full now?".... I just stared at him with my jaw hanging and shook my head.

My sister and I just stared at each other for a minute and she finally steals the words out of my mouth:
"Is this real life? Did he really just say that?! How inappropriate!!"
"I know. I mean, can you imagine if I was one of my mentees?? If I was still in my eating disorder?!"
"I know!"
"I mean... I would be bursting into tears right now!!"
"I know! That is just unbelievably appropriate!"

I proceeded to write him a note on the back of a receipt to inform him of the potential damage that he could have caused. I felt that it was my duty to inform him and spread the awareness. Then, just when I was starting to feel a little bit better about my ability to take charge of certain situations... We walked outside....

"Hello ladies! Free 30 day trial to our gym!!"

You have GOT to be fucking kidding me right now.... Where the hell is Ashton Kutcher.... or Justin Beiber.... Who is doing Punk'd these days, again?

Thankfully, Ikea offered us somewhat of a respite from the negative body image propaganda.


We still had time to kill before her flight and decided to venture into the bookstore.

All was well and we proceeded to carry on a psychology driven conversation about children over our overpriced lattes. Which, inevitably, lead us to the restroom. On our way back out through the children's section, a book cover caught my sister's eye. There was a hamburger with the head of a little girl on it. The title read Fatty McPhereson. I was horrified to hear that the description of the book was a story about a girl who grew to own her nickname... Did I mention that it was a children's book?

At this point, I find it necessary to provide full disclosure in that I ate and kept all of my food today with absolutely no problems. Just as I have for the last several months (I honestly can't remember but it has been close to a year since I have had any slips of any kind.... this includes skipping a meal).


I suddenly was stricken by a new burst of purpose about why it is that I am doing all that I am doing. That it is not a closed market. That people are still un or ill informed. I have a lot of work to do.


Oddly, this was overwhelming rather than liberating.


I was worried about how I would get into an apartment and make rent and find a job and pay for daycare and put gas in my car...... How am I going to save the world one fat talk comment at a time?


Then I came home to my boyfriend.


I came home from a night out with my best friend to find my adorable boyfriend passed out, snoring in bed. Apparently his card night with the guys had been successful. I just looked at him and suddenly I knew exactly how I was going to do all of it.


He told me last night that I don't really need any support; but that he will always give it... just to see my smile.... There are rare moments when I don't hate that he is right.


I don't have to worry about what is waiting for me at home. I can count on him to wrap his arms around me and give me that boost that I don't really need. I know that he gets it from me.



I spent two hours watching gorgeous men strip on a giant screen....


None of that was nearly as beautiful as seeing him curled up around the pillow waiting for me to crawl into bed with him.

It is nice to have someone who wants to hold my hand :)

A Wondrous Day

This will be brief as I am posting via iPhone. However, I wanted to share how today has been.

I went into my lawyer's office yesterday to read the 29 page report. I can't reveal much of what it said. However I can say that it was one of the most validating things that I have ever read.

It was not 100% positive with regards to its content about myself or my insignificant other. Yet, nothing that it said was a shock or a blow. I knew everything that it said already. It simply confirmed for me that my faith in myself and my intended profession was well placed.

I went to my therapy appointment laughing and grinning from ear to ear. For once, I was not shaken by the truth. It did not dishearten me or rattle me. It was the truth and I stopped hiding from that a long time ago. I have stared deep into myself and into the reality of my life. I know who I am and I am just fine with who that woman is becoming.

I spent a fair bit of time discussing the report with my therapist. Then, I recognized that there was very little to dissect and moved on to more current concerns.

That was when I realized why I am such peace with regards to my relationship. My boyfriend and I have a way of communicating that can be rivaled only by those who have known me at least 6 times as long. I know that he knows everything about me and vice versa. We do not hide things from each other. We are not ashamed of who we are or who we are together. The beautiful thing about it is that even knowing all of that... I can still lose track of all time just looking at him or laying next to him. So much has changed; but it has happened in both of us and on the same path :)

I had no hesitation in calling a girlfriend to schedule a night free of men and children. I took the day to myself. I went to group and thanked the clinical director. I told her that I was done with the reconstruction. That I will continue to evolve; but that there are no repairs left to be made. I am complete.

She very nearly cried with me. I know thy it is all going my direction. That I just need to keep doing what I am doing.

I sat down at a restaurant on my own and enjoyed my meal. I savored the feeling of the artichoke juice running down my arm. I set my phone down and enjoyed the peace of being by myself. Knowing that I would see loved ones in a short while. Knowing that I was safe with myself. That there is no need to fear what may happen.

I am happy. I will keep being happy. That is my choice and there is little that anyone or anything can do to change my mind.


I'm going to finish my sangria now.

After a Year of Tribulation...Comes the Trial

Some of you know, some of you don't; but, I have been going through an incredibly difficult custody dispute for the last year. This case has been incredibly draining emotionally, psychologically, and financially. I have had to go through a custody evaluation that made me doubt every aspect of my parenting abilities. This entire process has dragged on to the point where its mere mention has caused my stomach to become queasy.

Today, I got the call from my lawyer that the report had finally been issued.

My heart nearly skipped a beat when I saw the name of my lawyer on the caller i.d. I knew that the report was due to be issued any day. I just stared at the phone for a second before I finally answered.

"We got the report in today. I can't give you a copy of the report; but, I would like for you to come into the office so that we can go over it."

"Ok. Well, what does it say?"

"Essentially, it recommends you as the primary custodial parent. He gets her for the weekends and one 3hr visit during the week."

I nearly cried.


I called my daughter (whom I had just been scolding for pulling on the cat's tail... again) and gave her the biggest hug that I could muster.


It sounds strange. Yet, I needed to hear that to give myself any credit as a parent, as a mother.

This has been a nearly 4 year journey for me from self-hatred and fear of motherhood to having proof that I am a good mother. Not just proof.... A full evaluation of myself and my previous significant other from an experienced mental health professional.


I get to hear what it says in its entirety tomorrow. I know that it won't be all good. In fact, I know it will say a lot of things about me that I am not much looking forward to hearing. However, the end result is what I have needed to hear for years.


The court date is in 10 days.

*deep breath*

C'est la Vie

I have had a whirlwind of a few weeks. Yet, I realize that such is life. Every time I say that things will "calm down" or that I will "get a break", I am forced to realize that there is no such thing.

I start my master's program one week from today and I feel like I have yet to accomplish any of the things that I had put onto my laundry list for this summer. I haven't cleaned out the garage or read any of my books or made it to the yoga place or salvation army. However, I have done a lot of things that are seemingly more important.

I have realized that people change.


Granted, this is something that I have been aware of for many years. However, I must admit that I somehow thought that it did not apply to everyone. I have recently realized that it does.

My best friend of nearly 12 years completely let me down and embarrassed me this week. I have always pardoned her eccentric behavior over the years on the grounds that she is a good person on the inside. Her behavior this past week has shattered that argument to pieces. What she is doing with her life and how she has treated my loved ones and I is beyond anything that I am willing to accept from a "friend".

She has changed.


I have also changed.


The week's events have lead to the development that I will be watching O's boys (who shall, henceforth, be dubbed the Cs) for the duration of the summer. They are great kids and I am actually really excited to get a chance to get to know them. However, they are still two kids that I will now be watching full time instead of working. This is a scenario that would have had me in a near panic even a few months ago.

OMG OMG OMG I have to watch these kids that I barely know allll day everyday!! When will I bathe?!? When will I read my books?!?! When will I do LAUNDRY?!  How am I going to keep them entertained ?!?!?! etc....etc....etc....


Yet, I am not having such a panic attack. As soon as I realized that my friend was going to bail. Which, for the record, was before she even came down here. I knew that she would. When it became "official" that she was bailing, I just took it on like I try to take on everything in my life now: if this is what has to be done, then you just do it. Pissing and moaning won't get you anywhere.

Why must it be done?


Bottom line? I love their dad and he needs me to do it. I am also more than capable of doing it.

That is where I have changed.

I am no longer afraid of my abilities. I have, in a sense, begun to resolve my Jonah complex. I am no longer ashamed of being able to do or accomplish. I don't need to be taken care of by anyone and I am capable of helping to take care of others. There is no reason for me to panic.

Things are actually far more enjoyable when you just take a deep breath, accept the reality of the situation, and just go with it. I don't need to spend days mulling over the situation and examining it from every angle. I can actually trust my gut and go with the flow.

I don't need to fear myself anymore. I am pretty damned put together at this point in time.

I can organize schedules, cook, clean, order text books, do laundry, empty out cars, blog, make snacks, discipline as necessary, and keep relatively sane. I am not super human. I am just beginning to find peace.

Once you start to find peace from within, it becomes much easier to handle the chaos that comes from without.

I don't ignore the problems or glaze over them. I don't turn a blind eye. I simply take stock of the situation and how I feel about it. If necessary, I will address any issues that I have. I will then carry on and take on the next situation etc etc etc.

C'est la vie.

People change, we change, life changes, life is stressful, life is busy, life is beautiful.


You do not need to be a masochist or a martyr. Do not take on more than you can handle. Just don't make issues where there doesn't need to be. You will spend more time miserable-ing than you would actually getting it done.

One thing that my mom always said "I don't care who's laundry that is on the floor! If it is on the floor, then pick it up!". She had such a way with words.

The fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter if it is your responsibility or their responsibility. If it needs to get done, then just fucking do it!


This is where another mentor's words of wisdom comes into play for me: some people can and some people can't.


If you can, then do it. If they can't, then don't massacre them for it. Can you handle that they can't? Can they handle that you can?

This is why I don't understand why some couples will piss and moan about laundry and cooking and cleaning. These are not things to bitch and moan about.

If you have both had a long ass day and you can handle the dishes sitting in the sink then so be it. If one of you can cook like a food network star, then the other one can clean. If your man will ruin your delicates, then he can't do the laundry. He can take the cars to get washed instead. Don't yell at each other about why don't you ever cook or why don't you take out the trash! Acknowledge that all of these things must be done and you each will do what you can. Hopefully, it balances out. If it doesn't, then feel free to yell at will.


I can handle a lot. I can do a lot. In fact, there isn't much that I am incapable of doing or getting done.

I can't change my oil; but, I can take it to get it done. I can pick up the dog shit... but I would rather cook dinner. I can't eat gluten; but, I can find gluten-free pizza parlors.

Life is what you make of it. Don't bitch about your problems and what needs to get done. Don't become paralyzed by fear or overwhelmed by responsibility. Do what you can. Find a way get what you can't done. Enjoy the process.

Life is good.