I had a difficult day yesterday. It was emotionally and psychologically draining. Yet, I still managed the day in a way that would have previously been impossible for me to do.
I still manage to enjoy my haircut and a girl's night. I feasted on sushi and saki ad gelato. I went to see the new batman movie and turned in for some necessary R&R.
I managed to take care of myself after a day that would have sent me into a tailspin 5 years ago.
I even got up and at em this morning to pack my life up for the move. I am pulling myself together to go out with my boyfriend and be social....
My life is rolling along as always.
I am just fine.
That is something which cannot be undervalued.
It is truly a wonder for me to behold. That I am able to function like a "normal" person.
It hasn't been perfect. I have been short with O and I have been scattered and flakey. I have been frazzled and angsty. Yet, I have eaten and I have kept from breaking down (though I came close)....
I share this because I want those of you who are struggling to know that if you do the work and you try your best everyday... Then a day will come when you can handle the worst without spiraling out of control :)
Peace Love and Strength
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
I Want to Kill a Bitch
I am doing my best to rally inner strength and confidence but I am failing. I get twenty more minutes to center myself and I don't really know how to do it.
I have been sitting in a room sandwiched between my lawyer and a court reporter while my ex and his shithead of an attorney sit across from me. I get to be interrogated about my quality as a mother and how and why I have come to the decisions that I have about how to raise her.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs that her father didn't even want me to have her that he kicked us out when she was 6 weeks old. That I have worked my ass off to take care of and provide for her while he sits around and gets high. That he hasn't contributed shit to raising her.
I can't though....
I have to do my best to answer questions without losing my head.
I have to remember that I need to put her best interests in front of my pride.
I have to remember that nothing will ever convince either my ex or the attorney that I always have and always will do what is best for her.
I can scream in the car.
I can call my therapist.
I can do my best to center myself.
I need to stop giving him the satisfaction of upsetting me.
Fuck him.
I know an everyone that knows me knows the truth of the matter.
I will never convince them, so why try....?
Time to pee n scream and get back to being bad ass.....
I hope
Send me strength??
I have been sitting in a room sandwiched between my lawyer and a court reporter while my ex and his shithead of an attorney sit across from me. I get to be interrogated about my quality as a mother and how and why I have come to the decisions that I have about how to raise her.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs that her father didn't even want me to have her that he kicked us out when she was 6 weeks old. That I have worked my ass off to take care of and provide for her while he sits around and gets high. That he hasn't contributed shit to raising her.
I can't though....
I have to do my best to answer questions without losing my head.
I have to remember that I need to put her best interests in front of my pride.
I have to remember that nothing will ever convince either my ex or the attorney that I always have and always will do what is best for her.
I can scream in the car.
I can call my therapist.
I can do my best to center myself.
I need to stop giving him the satisfaction of upsetting me.
Fuck him.
I know an everyone that knows me knows the truth of the matter.
I will never convince them, so why try....?
Time to pee n scream and get back to being bad ass.....
I hope
Send me strength??
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Full Circle
The interesting thing about life is that it tends to be cyclical. At least for me. Which, I have had an eating disorder. So, cyclical stuff tends to attract me ;)
In all seriousness, I am beginning to notice a certain level of consistency and predictability in my life. Shocking, I know. Things are beginning to happen in such a way that they do not catch me off guard and/or throw me off balance. In essence, I am cycling through a certain series of events that are relatively familiar to me even if the details are the same.
The Big Circle
I was going to sign my daughter up for ballet classes. I know. I know. Dance academies are infested with eating disorders and negative body image. I did it as a child and I can still remember the frail instructors and the little girls pinching in the mirrors that were all around. It is nightmarish. Well, my daughter desperately wants to do it. I found one of those Groupon deals and decided to give it a try. Thankfully, you had to go into the place to fill out paperwork before you brought the child in for classes. All three of the women that were there (2 of which were instructors and 1 was a student/receptionist) were seriously underweight. I pretended that I was looking for another business. I will eat the $69 on that "deal" and spare my 3 year old from that kind of exposure.
I also took her to Disneyland this past weekend. It was ermmmm difficult to say the least. The days were long and hot and the sun was beating down on us and my toddler was kicking the ground or rolling on it in protests to the "happiest" place on earth. I can vividly remember leaving Disneyland at around 6 years old (my sister was probably 3) and my mother saying "We are NOT coming back here again until both of you are old enough to appreciate it!" and we didn't.... In fact, I don't think that I ever went back to Disneyland with my mother. I went in high school a couple of times. At any rate, I can remember telling D as we left the park on Sunday "Don't worry honey, next time we come back you will be big enough to go on more of the rides."
Now, don't get the misinformed impression that I handled the situation of my demonized toddler at Disneyland with dignity and grace. I did my best. But, I will admit that I resorted to a mental breakdown in the women's restroom at the Rainforest Cafe after my daughter had to be taken outside (after having already been in time out) for kicking the table. To which my darling daughter responded by saying "Will you be happy if I give you a hug, Mama?" "No, I will be happy when you behave." "Ummmmm Will you be happy if I give youuuu ummm FIVE hugs?".... I managed to laugh and sob simultaneously. And yes, I was sitting on the toilet in the handicap stall throughout this. Motherhood is all about multitasking people. You don't get to just have a mental breakdown.... You have to at least pee while you do it.
The Relationship Circle
There is this funny thing about relationships... They tend to run on a pretty brutal schedule. At least with regards to the issues that are discussed and the way in which they are handled. The deal breakers tend to evolve as the relationship evolves. The conversations will inevitably center around similar topics at any given point and in any relationship. Here is the general time line:
0-1 Month: Is the sex good?
1-3 Months: What do we have to talk about? Do I like their friends? Can I tolerate them while intoxicated? Is the sex still good? Do they belong to a cult? Do they seem to have any issues that may have escaped my notice while we were having sex?
3-6 Months: Is this worth the time investment? Do we have the same values? Who are the girls/guys that they hang out with? Do I think they can be committed? Can I be committed? Is the sex still good? Does my family like them? Do we have the same views on marriage and children?
Now the interesting thing about these first three stages is that you are more than willing to accept moderately satisfactory answers. There are certain things that you can shrug off and say that you will "cross that bridge when you get there". The next few stages are about getting to those bridges and deciding to cross them.
6-9 Months: There is generally some suspicion about fidelity surfacing in here somewhere. The novelty has worn off and odds are that you have seen each other pee and smelled their farts. You are now human, not merely sexy. However, it is definitely still critical to maintain the sex. Always maintain the sex. I hate when women downplay the importance of their and/or their partner's sexual satisfaction in a relationship. Anyway, tangent... There is also the resurfacing of those marriage and family concerns. You really start to look at whether or not you can see your life unfolding with this person. You may start to point out the areas that are bothersome a bit more. What was satisfactory at 4 months is no longer satisfactory at 7 months.... that is a lot closer to a year!
9-12 Months: This is when the decisions to cross the bridge begin. If you are going to commit over a year of your life to someone, then you need to know that they have the potential to go the distance. The nit picking and the discussions about moving in will ensue. The fine tuning of "how would you raise children" and "how many children" and the other logistics begin to get hashed out. You are, in all honesty, checking your bases to make sure that you haven't managed to miss a reason to leave. You have obviously found plenty of reasons to stay. Are they the right reasons to continue to stay? Are they valid and do they have longevity?
Now, these two are the most challenging stages in a relationship. You both obviously care about each other. You wouldn't be around for 6 months if you didn't. You also care about yourselves. It is painful to have the hard conversations. To discuss the things that may not result in the answers that you want to hear. These things force you to look at your own views and to truly question them in relation to your significant other's. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, though. If you have these hard talks and you make it through to the year, then you can carry on in relative peace and confidence. You will know whether or not you have found The One or not. You will then be able to live in the moment and not in fear of what the future will hold. Yes, certain topics will be revisited. The big ones like marriage and children will continue to come up even after you "check them of the list". Yet, you will know the basics and have the foundation. Everything else will just be for the sake of clarification and growing with the current state of affairs.
The curious thing here is that I have gone through two previous "serious long-term relationships". Unfortunately, I went about them the wrong way. I never ever ever had it in my mind that I would be capable of leaving if anything turned up that I was not satisfied with. I didn't stay because I was happy. I stayed because I was not able to leave. I had some of these talks; but not most. The ones that I did have, I did not have in the right way. I also did not pay much attention to the answers. I didn't put much weight behind them. I just went through the motions. I never actually evaluated whether or not the relationship was something that I wanted.
That is not the case this time around the block. Maybe the trite saying of "third time's the charm" is applicable here. Maybe I have just grown up and into myself enough to be confident in my ability to survive were I to break things off. At any rate, I have never shied away from asking O about anything and everything. Nor have I ever shied away from telling him the truth about where I stand on anything and everything. I have given myself time to think about things. I have gathered my thoughts over periods of hours, days, weeks, and/or months.
There have been a few times where we have really disagreed. Where subjects have been put on and off the table. There have been things that I have had to hash out with friends and my therapist and my journal in order to determine where I stand on them. There have been things that he has had to weigh and evaluate on his own. It hasn't necessarily been easy or 100% pleasant. Yet, as we creep past 8 months, I am becoming more and more confident that we have longevity. Something that I have never really felt before.
The Recovery Circle
This is something that I have only experienced vicariously in recent weeks. However, it is something that I am very much familiar with from many years ago. It always starts and ends in the same place: body image.
This is something that I haven't really talked about in a while. My mentee brought it up with me recently and it gave me cause to sit and pause and really think about how I have handled the body image piece of recovery in recent months.
Truth? There are plenty of days that I am not 100% satisfied with how my body looks and/or feels.
Truth? I do not let that feeling impair my functioning or effect my eating or physical activity.
Truth? I don't know when I will consistently be happy with my body from every angle.
Truth? I am perfectly ok with that because I have much more important things to occupy me.
Truth? I am still guilty of wishing I had bigger tits, a tighter ass, firmer thighs, and flatter abs.
Truth? I still just do my yoga (once a week... if I remember) and I still eat ice cream.
Truth? I am confident in the reality that I will perpetually want more and find a way to be content with what I have... I was never content when I was X pounds and X sizes less than I am now.
Truth? Whatever negative thoughts I have are fleeting and easy to forget.
This is the harsh reality about recovering from the body image piece of an eating disorder. It is the last piece to go, if it ever does. There are plenty of people who function normally and don't have any problems with behaviors... but they still don't like their reflection. It is sad. It does suck. BUT it sucks less than my eating disorder did.
It is something that I have just come to terms with. I don't really allow it to penetrate or to bother me. I do my best to avoid places and people that would make me hyper conscious of the underlying dissatisfaction. I don't go to a gym. I don't go to a yoga studio. I don't go to tanning salons. I don' talk with people about food, dieting, or weight. I don't have any friends who are "health nuts". I just have done my best to change my lifestyle so that I do not have to confront the body image piece on an hourly basis. Maybe once a week or for that one week out of the month will I be aware of this lingering issue.
Now, please do not misread this to think that I am miserable with my body and I can't stand to look at myself. That isn't true at all. There are far more days now, than ever in my life, that I like my body than that I hate my body. I love my waist and my calves and my back and my shoulders and my ass and my thighs. I love my female form. I know the power that it has and the purpose that it serves in my life. I love to accentuate my figure. I love to really work it when I am having a feel good day. The reality is that most days I just don't think about it. The days that I do, it is either that I love it or that I wish it was better in this area or that. There really isn't that deep distaste that there was when I was in my disorder. There isn't that masochistic relationship with my body. I appreciate it. I don't put more weight (ba dum chi) on it than is necessary. I do not equate my value with my body's size or shape. They are separate issues now.
These are some of the things that have come to light for me recently. I hope that you all can appreciate them for what they are and gain some insight into your own lives. Never underestimate the impact of introspection. It is the most valuable tool that you have in recovery. Especially when it is combined with a journal.
Peace, Love, & Strength :)
In all seriousness, I am beginning to notice a certain level of consistency and predictability in my life. Shocking, I know. Things are beginning to happen in such a way that they do not catch me off guard and/or throw me off balance. In essence, I am cycling through a certain series of events that are relatively familiar to me even if the details are the same.
The Big Circle
I was going to sign my daughter up for ballet classes. I know. I know. Dance academies are infested with eating disorders and negative body image. I did it as a child and I can still remember the frail instructors and the little girls pinching in the mirrors that were all around. It is nightmarish. Well, my daughter desperately wants to do it. I found one of those Groupon deals and decided to give it a try. Thankfully, you had to go into the place to fill out paperwork before you brought the child in for classes. All three of the women that were there (2 of which were instructors and 1 was a student/receptionist) were seriously underweight. I pretended that I was looking for another business. I will eat the $69 on that "deal" and spare my 3 year old from that kind of exposure.
I also took her to Disneyland this past weekend. It was ermmmm difficult to say the least. The days were long and hot and the sun was beating down on us and my toddler was kicking the ground or rolling on it in protests to the "happiest" place on earth. I can vividly remember leaving Disneyland at around 6 years old (my sister was probably 3) and my mother saying "We are NOT coming back here again until both of you are old enough to appreciate it!" and we didn't.... In fact, I don't think that I ever went back to Disneyland with my mother. I went in high school a couple of times. At any rate, I can remember telling D as we left the park on Sunday "Don't worry honey, next time we come back you will be big enough to go on more of the rides."
Now, don't get the misinformed impression that I handled the situation of my demonized toddler at Disneyland with dignity and grace. I did my best. But, I will admit that I resorted to a mental breakdown in the women's restroom at the Rainforest Cafe after my daughter had to be taken outside (after having already been in time out) for kicking the table. To which my darling daughter responded by saying "Will you be happy if I give you a hug, Mama?" "No, I will be happy when you behave." "Ummmmm Will you be happy if I give youuuu ummm FIVE hugs?".... I managed to laugh and sob simultaneously. And yes, I was sitting on the toilet in the handicap stall throughout this. Motherhood is all about multitasking people. You don't get to just have a mental breakdown.... You have to at least pee while you do it.
The Relationship Circle
There is this funny thing about relationships... They tend to run on a pretty brutal schedule. At least with regards to the issues that are discussed and the way in which they are handled. The deal breakers tend to evolve as the relationship evolves. The conversations will inevitably center around similar topics at any given point and in any relationship. Here is the general time line:
0-1 Month: Is the sex good?
1-3 Months: What do we have to talk about? Do I like their friends? Can I tolerate them while intoxicated? Is the sex still good? Do they belong to a cult? Do they seem to have any issues that may have escaped my notice while we were having sex?
3-6 Months: Is this worth the time investment? Do we have the same values? Who are the girls/guys that they hang out with? Do I think they can be committed? Can I be committed? Is the sex still good? Does my family like them? Do we have the same views on marriage and children?
Now the interesting thing about these first three stages is that you are more than willing to accept moderately satisfactory answers. There are certain things that you can shrug off and say that you will "cross that bridge when you get there". The next few stages are about getting to those bridges and deciding to cross them.
6-9 Months: There is generally some suspicion about fidelity surfacing in here somewhere. The novelty has worn off and odds are that you have seen each other pee and smelled their farts. You are now human, not merely sexy. However, it is definitely still critical to maintain the sex. Always maintain the sex. I hate when women downplay the importance of their and/or their partner's sexual satisfaction in a relationship. Anyway, tangent... There is also the resurfacing of those marriage and family concerns. You really start to look at whether or not you can see your life unfolding with this person. You may start to point out the areas that are bothersome a bit more. What was satisfactory at 4 months is no longer satisfactory at 7 months.... that is a lot closer to a year!
9-12 Months: This is when the decisions to cross the bridge begin. If you are going to commit over a year of your life to someone, then you need to know that they have the potential to go the distance. The nit picking and the discussions about moving in will ensue. The fine tuning of "how would you raise children" and "how many children" and the other logistics begin to get hashed out. You are, in all honesty, checking your bases to make sure that you haven't managed to miss a reason to leave. You have obviously found plenty of reasons to stay. Are they the right reasons to continue to stay? Are they valid and do they have longevity?
Now, these two are the most challenging stages in a relationship. You both obviously care about each other. You wouldn't be around for 6 months if you didn't. You also care about yourselves. It is painful to have the hard conversations. To discuss the things that may not result in the answers that you want to hear. These things force you to look at your own views and to truly question them in relation to your significant other's. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, though. If you have these hard talks and you make it through to the year, then you can carry on in relative peace and confidence. You will know whether or not you have found The One or not. You will then be able to live in the moment and not in fear of what the future will hold. Yes, certain topics will be revisited. The big ones like marriage and children will continue to come up even after you "check them of the list". Yet, you will know the basics and have the foundation. Everything else will just be for the sake of clarification and growing with the current state of affairs.
The curious thing here is that I have gone through two previous "serious long-term relationships". Unfortunately, I went about them the wrong way. I never ever ever had it in my mind that I would be capable of leaving if anything turned up that I was not satisfied with. I didn't stay because I was happy. I stayed because I was not able to leave. I had some of these talks; but not most. The ones that I did have, I did not have in the right way. I also did not pay much attention to the answers. I didn't put much weight behind them. I just went through the motions. I never actually evaluated whether or not the relationship was something that I wanted.
That is not the case this time around the block. Maybe the trite saying of "third time's the charm" is applicable here. Maybe I have just grown up and into myself enough to be confident in my ability to survive were I to break things off. At any rate, I have never shied away from asking O about anything and everything. Nor have I ever shied away from telling him the truth about where I stand on anything and everything. I have given myself time to think about things. I have gathered my thoughts over periods of hours, days, weeks, and/or months.
There have been a few times where we have really disagreed. Where subjects have been put on and off the table. There have been things that I have had to hash out with friends and my therapist and my journal in order to determine where I stand on them. There have been things that he has had to weigh and evaluate on his own. It hasn't necessarily been easy or 100% pleasant. Yet, as we creep past 8 months, I am becoming more and more confident that we have longevity. Something that I have never really felt before.
The Recovery Circle
This is something that I have only experienced vicariously in recent weeks. However, it is something that I am very much familiar with from many years ago. It always starts and ends in the same place: body image.
This is something that I haven't really talked about in a while. My mentee brought it up with me recently and it gave me cause to sit and pause and really think about how I have handled the body image piece of recovery in recent months.
Truth? There are plenty of days that I am not 100% satisfied with how my body looks and/or feels.
Truth? I do not let that feeling impair my functioning or effect my eating or physical activity.
Truth? I don't know when I will consistently be happy with my body from every angle.
Truth? I am perfectly ok with that because I have much more important things to occupy me.
Truth? I am still guilty of wishing I had bigger tits, a tighter ass, firmer thighs, and flatter abs.
Truth? I still just do my yoga (once a week... if I remember) and I still eat ice cream.
Truth? I am confident in the reality that I will perpetually want more and find a way to be content with what I have... I was never content when I was X pounds and X sizes less than I am now.
Truth? Whatever negative thoughts I have are fleeting and easy to forget.
This is the harsh reality about recovering from the body image piece of an eating disorder. It is the last piece to go, if it ever does. There are plenty of people who function normally and don't have any problems with behaviors... but they still don't like their reflection. It is sad. It does suck. BUT it sucks less than my eating disorder did.
It is something that I have just come to terms with. I don't really allow it to penetrate or to bother me. I do my best to avoid places and people that would make me hyper conscious of the underlying dissatisfaction. I don't go to a gym. I don't go to a yoga studio. I don't go to tanning salons. I don' talk with people about food, dieting, or weight. I don't have any friends who are "health nuts". I just have done my best to change my lifestyle so that I do not have to confront the body image piece on an hourly basis. Maybe once a week or for that one week out of the month will I be aware of this lingering issue.
Now, please do not misread this to think that I am miserable with my body and I can't stand to look at myself. That isn't true at all. There are far more days now, than ever in my life, that I like my body than that I hate my body. I love my waist and my calves and my back and my shoulders and my ass and my thighs. I love my female form. I know the power that it has and the purpose that it serves in my life. I love to accentuate my figure. I love to really work it when I am having a feel good day. The reality is that most days I just don't think about it. The days that I do, it is either that I love it or that I wish it was better in this area or that. There really isn't that deep distaste that there was when I was in my disorder. There isn't that masochistic relationship with my body. I appreciate it. I don't put more weight (ba dum chi) on it than is necessary. I do not equate my value with my body's size or shape. They are separate issues now.
These are some of the things that have come to light for me recently. I hope that you all can appreciate them for what they are and gain some insight into your own lives. Never underestimate the impact of introspection. It is the most valuable tool that you have in recovery. Especially when it is combined with a journal.
Peace, Love, & Strength :)
Monday, July 16, 2012
Insomniac Anonymous
I didn't go to sleep until after 4 am last night/this morning. I got into bed at 9 pm. That means that I spent 7 hours in sleepless turmoil. Fretting and sweating over all of the things that I have to do and don't think that I can ever accomplish.
Well, there is some truth to that. I can't accomplish them if I don't freaking sleep. Now can I?
Aside from the usual things that come up for me in these sporadic nights of insomnia (i.e. homework, chores, errands, shaving my legs), some interesting things surfaced last night.
Apparently, the whole notion that women go baby crazy in their mid twenties is 100% legit. Not to mention when they have a toddler or are in a new relationship. What'd ya know, I am suffering from all three of these hormone inducing lifestyle "choices"!
I know that plenty of you are probably like wtf missy, you already have one kid and you are only 25! You have a shit ton of time before you worry about this. Well, that would be true if you were talking about anyone but me. I am the most efficient worrier known to man. I worry about things years in advance. It makes it much easier for me to be in a constant state of heightened panic about how things may or may not go horribly wrong. It also keeps me hyper-vigilant of potential pit falls.
For instance, that my current boyfriend has been fixed. And that I really don't see any other potential pit fall between us... Now, that will keep you up at night.
I am partially proud and partially mortified that I actually brought this concern up to him this morning. Also, my apologies sweetheart for bringing you into this so frequently of late... I promise, there is a point here.
It served as further "evidence" of his and my powers of communication. Even in our mutual states of exhaustion and distraction, we were able to discuss this potentially traumatic topic.
I will admit that I was slightly passive in my raising the topic. I didn't really want to go there at 8:43am when he was just arriving at work and I was barely what could be called conscious. However, I was bordering on the idea of shutting my phone off until we went on a trip with the kids this weekend to process it on my own. This is typically a warning sign that I am feeling internally threatened and terrified... So, I should probably just rip the damn band aid off and not delay the inevitable. Not to mention make him panicked and unreceptive in my unexplained absence.
I did the mature thing and rambled off a list of things that had kept me up all night and "discreetly" tucked the "and I am terrified that I will never get married n have children" in there. Ha! Anybody who reads that and doesn't recognize that it needs to be discussed would be a complete moron and, coincidentally, one of my ex boyfriends.
To which he awed and dazzled me by sending a very poetic response about how wonderful I am in a million different ways... but that he couldn't help me when it came to kids. I knew that I was in for a penny, in for a pound at this point and decided to hit the fuck it button "You're very sweet... but I want kids... sigh".
May the unnamed higher power bless him for his patience.
We then went through the paces where I explained my position and he explained his. He got defensive for a hot second and so did I. Then, in some magical mind ninja moment.... I realized where he was coming from and that it had absolutely no bearing on what a life would be like with me. Just as I have continually had to realize over and over again that any of my prior learning when it comes to men is irrelevant with him. He must recognize that the same is true when it comes to me and other women. Then, we both got a little bit of closure and the topic was closed for the next ohhhh I don't know... month to three months depending on how busy I am and how many nights I lose sleep.
Now, to the real point(s) here.
1) Secondary gains.
2) Mommy issues.
When I was in my disorder and smoking and dating assholes... Well, this conversation would have never occurred. What would have occurred?
Simply put? I would have bit my tongue for the next three months, treated my body and my boyfriend like shit, and eventually blown up at him for not understanding me after he found me throwing up and stoned out of my mind.
Essentially, it isn't pretty.
The way that I used to deal with things like this was that I didn't.
My eating disorder served the secondary gain of helping me to keep these things bottled up inside of me. Of keeping me from saying the things that I was sure would send my "loved ones" running to the hills. Of helping me to stay so out of my mind that I was truly and completely incapable of remembering for very long just what I was upset about. It would resurface over and over again. Every time that it did, I would turn to my disorder or a bowl to help me repress and deny it back down into the inky depths of my mind.
That obviously worked just honky dory in the short term. In the long term?
It was a god damned shit show.
I ended up staying in a relationshit that was 100% built on our own presumptions and 0% on communication. I stayed because I didn't allow myself to have the discussions that would force me to leave or to overtly accept the things that he did. I wasn't strong enough for that. This leads back into my last post which centered around having the ability to be who you are and saying fuck all to the people who didn't like it. Or, more precisely, in fostering the kind of person you want to be and allowing the people that have a problem with it to go.
Now, I have no interest in the short term. I am interested in the big picture. I know most of what I want out of life and I am quickly figuring out the rest. I have no desire to suppress any of the things that I have decided are important to me. I will do it the right way or not at all.
Even if that is the hard way.
Alright, now... On to the hard part. The mommy issues. Oof.
My mother was not exactly the greatest mother. I have been over this a few times. She tried really hard when we were young; but, then she just disappeared. As a result, I wrestled with the idea of motherhood for a very long time.
I went through phases.
I was terrified that I would make the same mistakes and was determined to never have children and instead focus on a career.
I was angry and thought that I could be a good mother but was terrified that I would make the same mistakes and decided that I should just have a career.
I was depressed and decided that I never wanted a child to feel that kind of pain at the loss of their mother so I decided that I should never have one. Seeing as I was terrified and should just have a career.
I spent a good part of my 5 weeks in treatment discussing my mommy issues and what it meant to me. It's a good thing because I got pregnant right after I left.
I was hormonal and terrified and didn't have a career and didn't want the baby to hate me.
I got post-partum and my baby daddy left me high and dry because he couldn't make the changes that I was bound and determined to make in an effort to prove that I could be a responsible mother and that my baby wouldn't hate me.
This inevitably lead to me having to get a job and remaining terrified and distant from my baby who looked like her asshole father's clone. Something that breaks my heart every day. Not that she looks like him. Just that I allowed that to get in the way of my holding her sometimes.
During her first year or two of life, I promised myself that it would be different the next time. That I would be in a good place and with a good man and that I would be able to be the kind of mother that I knew I was capable of being.
Then, I hit this place when she was about two or so that I decided I didn't have it in me. That I just wasn't meant for that. That I should just be a career woman and do my best to focus on my daughter. That I would put my all into providing for her and raising her and then have my 40s and on to myself.
I convinced myself that I was selfish.... For less than a year.
Having such a difficult time with motherhood has sort of made it my deep wound in life. It has made it something that I will struggle with until I feel that I have done it right. I don't know if that means having another child or being able to adopt or simply being able to be the mother I want to be for the rest of my daughter's life.... No idea.
I just know that I still have not achieved peace in this.
I will always seek peace.
Well, there is some truth to that. I can't accomplish them if I don't freaking sleep. Now can I?
Aside from the usual things that come up for me in these sporadic nights of insomnia (i.e. homework, chores, errands, shaving my legs), some interesting things surfaced last night.
Apparently, the whole notion that women go baby crazy in their mid twenties is 100% legit. Not to mention when they have a toddler or are in a new relationship. What'd ya know, I am suffering from all three of these hormone inducing lifestyle "choices"!
I know that plenty of you are probably like wtf missy, you already have one kid and you are only 25! You have a shit ton of time before you worry about this. Well, that would be true if you were talking about anyone but me. I am the most efficient worrier known to man. I worry about things years in advance. It makes it much easier for me to be in a constant state of heightened panic about how things may or may not go horribly wrong. It also keeps me hyper-vigilant of potential pit falls.
For instance, that my current boyfriend has been fixed. And that I really don't see any other potential pit fall between us... Now, that will keep you up at night.
I am partially proud and partially mortified that I actually brought this concern up to him this morning. Also, my apologies sweetheart for bringing you into this so frequently of late... I promise, there is a point here.
It served as further "evidence" of his and my powers of communication. Even in our mutual states of exhaustion and distraction, we were able to discuss this potentially traumatic topic.
I will admit that I was slightly passive in my raising the topic. I didn't really want to go there at 8:43am when he was just arriving at work and I was barely what could be called conscious. However, I was bordering on the idea of shutting my phone off until we went on a trip with the kids this weekend to process it on my own. This is typically a warning sign that I am feeling internally threatened and terrified... So, I should probably just rip the damn band aid off and not delay the inevitable. Not to mention make him panicked and unreceptive in my unexplained absence.
I did the mature thing and rambled off a list of things that had kept me up all night and "discreetly" tucked the "and I am terrified that I will never get married n have children" in there. Ha! Anybody who reads that and doesn't recognize that it needs to be discussed would be a complete moron and, coincidentally, one of my ex boyfriends.
To which he awed and dazzled me by sending a very poetic response about how wonderful I am in a million different ways... but that he couldn't help me when it came to kids. I knew that I was in for a penny, in for a pound at this point and decided to hit the fuck it button "You're very sweet... but I want kids... sigh".
May the unnamed higher power bless him for his patience.
We then went through the paces where I explained my position and he explained his. He got defensive for a hot second and so did I. Then, in some magical mind ninja moment.... I realized where he was coming from and that it had absolutely no bearing on what a life would be like with me. Just as I have continually had to realize over and over again that any of my prior learning when it comes to men is irrelevant with him. He must recognize that the same is true when it comes to me and other women. Then, we both got a little bit of closure and the topic was closed for the next ohhhh I don't know... month to three months depending on how busy I am and how many nights I lose sleep.
Now, to the real point(s) here.
1) Secondary gains.
2) Mommy issues.
When I was in my disorder and smoking and dating assholes... Well, this conversation would have never occurred. What would have occurred?
Simply put? I would have bit my tongue for the next three months, treated my body and my boyfriend like shit, and eventually blown up at him for not understanding me after he found me throwing up and stoned out of my mind.
Essentially, it isn't pretty.
The way that I used to deal with things like this was that I didn't.
My eating disorder served the secondary gain of helping me to keep these things bottled up inside of me. Of keeping me from saying the things that I was sure would send my "loved ones" running to the hills. Of helping me to stay so out of my mind that I was truly and completely incapable of remembering for very long just what I was upset about. It would resurface over and over again. Every time that it did, I would turn to my disorder or a bowl to help me repress and deny it back down into the inky depths of my mind.
That obviously worked just honky dory in the short term. In the long term?
It was a god damned shit show.
I ended up staying in a relationshit that was 100% built on our own presumptions and 0% on communication. I stayed because I didn't allow myself to have the discussions that would force me to leave or to overtly accept the things that he did. I wasn't strong enough for that. This leads back into my last post which centered around having the ability to be who you are and saying fuck all to the people who didn't like it. Or, more precisely, in fostering the kind of person you want to be and allowing the people that have a problem with it to go.
Now, I have no interest in the short term. I am interested in the big picture. I know most of what I want out of life and I am quickly figuring out the rest. I have no desire to suppress any of the things that I have decided are important to me. I will do it the right way or not at all.
Even if that is the hard way.
Alright, now... On to the hard part. The mommy issues. Oof.
My mother was not exactly the greatest mother. I have been over this a few times. She tried really hard when we were young; but, then she just disappeared. As a result, I wrestled with the idea of motherhood for a very long time.
I went through phases.
I was terrified that I would make the same mistakes and was determined to never have children and instead focus on a career.
I was angry and thought that I could be a good mother but was terrified that I would make the same mistakes and decided that I should just have a career.
I was depressed and decided that I never wanted a child to feel that kind of pain at the loss of their mother so I decided that I should never have one. Seeing as I was terrified and should just have a career.
I spent a good part of my 5 weeks in treatment discussing my mommy issues and what it meant to me. It's a good thing because I got pregnant right after I left.
I was hormonal and terrified and didn't have a career and didn't want the baby to hate me.
I got post-partum and my baby daddy left me high and dry because he couldn't make the changes that I was bound and determined to make in an effort to prove that I could be a responsible mother and that my baby wouldn't hate me.
This inevitably lead to me having to get a job and remaining terrified and distant from my baby who looked like her asshole father's clone. Something that breaks my heart every day. Not that she looks like him. Just that I allowed that to get in the way of my holding her sometimes.
During her first year or two of life, I promised myself that it would be different the next time. That I would be in a good place and with a good man and that I would be able to be the kind of mother that I knew I was capable of being.
Then, I hit this place when she was about two or so that I decided I didn't have it in me. That I just wasn't meant for that. That I should just be a career woman and do my best to focus on my daughter. That I would put my all into providing for her and raising her and then have my 40s and on to myself.
I convinced myself that I was selfish.... For less than a year.
Having such a difficult time with motherhood has sort of made it my deep wound in life. It has made it something that I will struggle with until I feel that I have done it right. I don't know if that means having another child or being able to adopt or simply being able to be the mother I want to be for the rest of my daughter's life.... No idea.
I just know that I still have not achieved peace in this.
I will always seek peace.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Positive Polly Inspiration
Last night my boyfriend made a painfully accurate observation of the fact that I tend to post more when things are going wrong than when they are going right. I feel that I must now admit to you all my emo roots.
Back in high school, I wrote painfully depressing poems about love and death. I also wore a lot of eyeliner and cut my wrists. Essentially, I was the definition of a upper middle class caucaisian girl who wanted to have something to rebel about. So, I chose to be overly depressed and emotional.
I am ashamed to admit that I am still far more inspired by chaos and trauma than I am by the normally paced fluidity of a happy life. Yet, I take solace in the fact that Edgar Allan Poe was never viewed as a Positive Polly. I should probably check my facts, but I am pretty sure that he was one of those who didn't experience much recognition during his own life.
Hang on.... I shall Wiki it.
Ok, I take it back. "The Raven" was apparently quite successful. However, he did die at the age of 40 from unknown causes. Wiki lists and exorbitantly long list of possible causes. Point is, he stayed tragic because his life was tragic. I don't really want to lead a tragic life.
In fact, the real purpose of this blog is to highlight how my somewhat tragic beginnings have provided the insight that I deem as necessary for a rosy future. Or at least to discuss how I am no longer completely dismayed about what will become of me.
Truth be told, I tend to have one or two post ideas everyday about how I view things differently. Unfortunately, these ideas tend to flee from my mind in the wake of my toddler crying or the dryer chiming that it is time for me to fold yet another load of laundry.
So, I am faced with a bit of a dilemma.
Do I post only when I feel truly driven to discuss something of the utmost importance? Or, do I make more of a concerned effort to blog every other day or so about the things that I am recognizing in passing?
Well, I can hope that I will do that latter. It is my hope. I just don't know if I will be able to stick to it.
I think that is one thing that I can dedicate a few minutes to talking about: commitment.
I think that I have previously discussed my deep seeded trust issues. If not, I will sum up quickly. I pretend to trust... But, in reality, I am expecting everyone to either die or stab me in the back in such a way that would make me want to die. I am sure that plenty of you can relate to this sentiment without further information.
Well, when you don't really trust anybody you tend to come up with reasons to be the first one to bail. Am I right?
You would rather hurt than be hurt?
It is kind of a basic survival instinct that seems to manifest itself in weird ways now that we rarely need it in life or death situations.
So, you fear people but you crave them. You want to commit; but, you are inherently terrified of what that really means for you. It is the constant back and forth that goes on inside to the point that can drive you crazy. Often times, it actually does.
Well, when I was very sick. When I was weak and depressed and engaging in behaviors and smoking weed and not doing much of anything valuable with my life... I drove myself crazy with these ridiculous trust/abandonment issues.
I would start fights with friends because I felt inadequate. I would make mountains out of molehills. It was inevitable that I would misinterpret a long pause between text messages to mean that they were ignoring me or didn't really like me as a person in the first place.
This was primarily because I hated myself on a level that was harder to accept than that everyone else didn't like me.
The reality was that I was actually quite nice to people. I was a bit emotional; but, I was always kind and loving. I always offered to help. Often over extending myself to points that I need not elaborate. It suffices to say that there were days where I drove two separate friends to and from work and helped another write a paper. I never did my stuff, it was always other people's.
This fed into the idea that I was worthless. I repeatedly blew off my responsibilities in an attempt to prove to others that I was a good person. That I was an asset to them.
Unfortunately, I never tried to become an asset to myself.
Eventually, I wised up and started to be selfish. This was around the time that I was breastfeeding and felt that I deserved to be. After all, if my body wasn't mine, than at least my time should be.
Gradually, I started to do things for myself. I started to work and get good grades and take care of myself and my daughter on a soulful level. I fostered trust in myself. I let other people down. I lost more people. Yet, I tend to think that they were worth losing if they begrudged my doing that which I needed to do. My ex falls into this category for anyone who was wondering.
The first person that I actually committed myself fully to was my daughter. I will grant anyone that there isn't much fear of rejection from an infant. However, it was more meaningful in that I began to trust that I wouldn't let her down.
You see, that is what those of us with abandonment and trust issues must learn to accept: ourselves. That we are the ones who have perpetuated the cycle of distrust. That it is our rejection of our selves that prevents us from truly connecting with others.
In the last four years, I have made and lost an equal number of friends. It has been a bit trying. I am still rebuilding my support network. However, I am looking for pillars not matchsticks.
I think that it becomes easier to accept that someone won't leave you once you recognize that you are not someone that you would want to leave.
If you are who you want, then surround yourself with those you want. I can guarantee that you will be proud of the results.
Peace Love Strength.
Back in high school, I wrote painfully depressing poems about love and death. I also wore a lot of eyeliner and cut my wrists. Essentially, I was the definition of a upper middle class caucaisian girl who wanted to have something to rebel about. So, I chose to be overly depressed and emotional.
I am ashamed to admit that I am still far more inspired by chaos and trauma than I am by the normally paced fluidity of a happy life. Yet, I take solace in the fact that Edgar Allan Poe was never viewed as a Positive Polly. I should probably check my facts, but I am pretty sure that he was one of those who didn't experience much recognition during his own life.
Hang on.... I shall Wiki it.
Ok, I take it back. "The Raven" was apparently quite successful. However, he did die at the age of 40 from unknown causes. Wiki lists and exorbitantly long list of possible causes. Point is, he stayed tragic because his life was tragic. I don't really want to lead a tragic life.
In fact, the real purpose of this blog is to highlight how my somewhat tragic beginnings have provided the insight that I deem as necessary for a rosy future. Or at least to discuss how I am no longer completely dismayed about what will become of me.
Truth be told, I tend to have one or two post ideas everyday about how I view things differently. Unfortunately, these ideas tend to flee from my mind in the wake of my toddler crying or the dryer chiming that it is time for me to fold yet another load of laundry.
So, I am faced with a bit of a dilemma.
Do I post only when I feel truly driven to discuss something of the utmost importance? Or, do I make more of a concerned effort to blog every other day or so about the things that I am recognizing in passing?
Well, I can hope that I will do that latter. It is my hope. I just don't know if I will be able to stick to it.
I think that is one thing that I can dedicate a few minutes to talking about: commitment.
I think that I have previously discussed my deep seeded trust issues. If not, I will sum up quickly. I pretend to trust... But, in reality, I am expecting everyone to either die or stab me in the back in such a way that would make me want to die. I am sure that plenty of you can relate to this sentiment without further information.
Well, when you don't really trust anybody you tend to come up with reasons to be the first one to bail. Am I right?
You would rather hurt than be hurt?
It is kind of a basic survival instinct that seems to manifest itself in weird ways now that we rarely need it in life or death situations.
So, you fear people but you crave them. You want to commit; but, you are inherently terrified of what that really means for you. It is the constant back and forth that goes on inside to the point that can drive you crazy. Often times, it actually does.
Well, when I was very sick. When I was weak and depressed and engaging in behaviors and smoking weed and not doing much of anything valuable with my life... I drove myself crazy with these ridiculous trust/abandonment issues.
I would start fights with friends because I felt inadequate. I would make mountains out of molehills. It was inevitable that I would misinterpret a long pause between text messages to mean that they were ignoring me or didn't really like me as a person in the first place.
This was primarily because I hated myself on a level that was harder to accept than that everyone else didn't like me.
The reality was that I was actually quite nice to people. I was a bit emotional; but, I was always kind and loving. I always offered to help. Often over extending myself to points that I need not elaborate. It suffices to say that there were days where I drove two separate friends to and from work and helped another write a paper. I never did my stuff, it was always other people's.
This fed into the idea that I was worthless. I repeatedly blew off my responsibilities in an attempt to prove to others that I was a good person. That I was an asset to them.
Unfortunately, I never tried to become an asset to myself.
Eventually, I wised up and started to be selfish. This was around the time that I was breastfeeding and felt that I deserved to be. After all, if my body wasn't mine, than at least my time should be.
Gradually, I started to do things for myself. I started to work and get good grades and take care of myself and my daughter on a soulful level. I fostered trust in myself. I let other people down. I lost more people. Yet, I tend to think that they were worth losing if they begrudged my doing that which I needed to do. My ex falls into this category for anyone who was wondering.
The first person that I actually committed myself fully to was my daughter. I will grant anyone that there isn't much fear of rejection from an infant. However, it was more meaningful in that I began to trust that I wouldn't let her down.
You see, that is what those of us with abandonment and trust issues must learn to accept: ourselves. That we are the ones who have perpetuated the cycle of distrust. That it is our rejection of our selves that prevents us from truly connecting with others.
In the last four years, I have made and lost an equal number of friends. It has been a bit trying. I am still rebuilding my support network. However, I am looking for pillars not matchsticks.
I think that it becomes easier to accept that someone won't leave you once you recognize that you are not someone that you would want to leave.
If you are who you want, then surround yourself with those you want. I can guarantee that you will be proud of the results.
Peace Love Strength.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Houston... We Have Contact!
Drum Roll puhhhlease!
I got a job at an ED/Substance Abuse IOP!! Wooot Woot! And it is right around the corner from my new apartment!
Now, before you get tooo excited... I will not be doing any therapy work. I actually got a position as a Sales Rep. Meaning that I will be going out and talking to other healthcare professionals, schools, clinics etc about the facility. This is not my dream come true. However, I will finally feel as though I am actually having a measurable impact on the community's awareness with regards to eating disorders and treatment options.
It is about time. My 4th Discharge-Aversary is coming up next week. In fact, it may be the day that I start the job. Doo doo doo doo.
I have been trying for the last several years to get myself to a point where I actually feel confident in entering the professional realm of eating disorder treatment. I have spent over a decade in the community as a patient. I spent the last few years trying to gradually recede from that identity so as to return in a more impactful form.
I guess you can say that I am trying to be a bit of a hungry caterpillar. I spent 7 years going around and gobbling up whatever I could find. Sometimes, I spat it out. Other times, I digested it. Finally, I had gathered enough knowledge to sustain myself throughout my transformation. I wound myself up in a cocoon of recovery and introspection. Now, I feel as though I have finally transformed all of that inner nourishment into the beautiful form of a deeply colorful butterfly. I am ready to flit about and share what I can with those who are willing to listen.
It is so remarkable to me that I am halfway to my own practice. That I am actually succeeding at taking all of the necessary steps to achieve my goal. I have finally found my lot in life. In so many ways. There is so much peace that comes with that. There is still a lot of apprehension. Mostly, there is an incredible amount of security and confidence.
I am a bit nervous about taking on a job along with a full load of courses, a new apartment, and sole responsibility of my daughter in the next month. However, I am also aware that it will not all happen at once. I start the job next week. I move into my place in 2 weeks. Which, it isn't as though I am moving to the other side of the globe. In a lot of ways, I will be much closer to my support network. Then, I have a full month to settle in before classes start up again. It will be a bit chaotic. Thankfully, I feed off of being busy. I get so much more done with less time on my hands. There is definitely some psychology behind that.
Alas, I skipped my therapy appointment last week to take all of the kids to the zoo. She is now on vacation for 2 weeks. So, any clarification on that point will have to wait.
OH OH OH!!!
Before I forget!
I stumbled upon this great app for those of you who find that you suffer from ups and downs with regards to moods and anxiety. It even has a feature that helps you practice thought restructuring! It is a bit pricey; but, I think it is worth it. Very user friendly. It also has a built in journal and goal setter. I would warn some of you that are still struggling with behaviors to not select too many of the healthy eating tips. Remember, there are people out there who are healthy and still need some more beneficial habits. Just don't misuse the tool. Here is the link:MoodKit. My apologies to all of you who still have Crackberries or relic phones.
Moving on to other news.
I have been working off and on with my book. Just blurbs here and there that I am piecing together. Yet, that is not something that is anywhere near ready for the public. Unfortunately, it has been taking up most of my limited free time. So, I truly apologize for my absenteeism from the blogging world.
The most interesting thing about it is that I have not had the need to blog. I really have been kind of coasting when it comes to my life in recent weeks. It isn't that life hasn't been stressful. Just that it hasn't been extraordinarily so. Which, in reality, means that my coping skills have finally improved to a point that makes me capable of handling my life for weeks on end.
This has been incredibly helpful with regards to my relationship.
Sorry O, you had to know that you would pop up in here somewhere.
We have been thrust into this sudden circumstance of being what functions as a "blended family". His two boys (the Cs) got here 6 weeks ago. Add in my little one (D). And voila! We are suddenly functioning as parents of three kids between the ages of 3 and 8. Holy fuckstick batman. What happened to my life and when did it get full of mac n cheese out of the box and finding little socks everywhere!?!
The good news is that we have managed to navigate this could be crisis in a mind blowing example of compromise and modification. I stepped up to watch them full time. I quickly realized that it would just be too much for me with school and the commuting. He got them a sitter for the days that I had school. We tried to get all of the kids to fall asleep together so that we didn't have to cook separate dinners. We quickly realized that mine was just not ready for that. We backed off and now she is begging for a couple of sleepovers.
We started feeling the lurching agony of losing our time together. Of suddenly only having the hour between their bedtime and ours to cram in any alone time. Which inevitably consisted of us vegging out and drinking wine before crawling into bed out of exhaustion. The beautiful thing about it was that there was no resentment. Nobody was mad at the other. We both did what we had to do and communicated to each other how much we missed our time. We finally got a sitter the last couple of Friday nights. One for each of us to have a boys/girls night out and the other to go out together.
This may not seem all that mind blowing to many of you. However, it is like a freaking mind warp to me! He and I haven't even been dating for 8 months and we have managed to handle what would be considered a major lifestyle change without any blowouts. We haven't bottled shit up either. It isn't like we have duct taped our mouths shut for the duration out of necessity. There have been disagreements. There is just no deep seeded resentment that must surface in a flurry of screams and tears. We actually work things out together.
How is this possible?!?!
Well, I have to give myself a huge pat on the back for losing all fears of honest communication. For actually bringing things up in a way that expresses my concerns without framing it in the context of a major issue. I have never felt safe doing that before. Not in the 8 years of relationships that I went through before now. I never trusted the way that I do with him. Security is a wonderful thing.
My daughter just peed on the floor. Guess it is time to sign off.
Peace Love Strength
I got a job at an ED/Substance Abuse IOP!! Wooot Woot! And it is right around the corner from my new apartment!
Now, before you get tooo excited... I will not be doing any therapy work. I actually got a position as a Sales Rep. Meaning that I will be going out and talking to other healthcare professionals, schools, clinics etc about the facility. This is not my dream come true. However, I will finally feel as though I am actually having a measurable impact on the community's awareness with regards to eating disorders and treatment options.
It is about time. My 4th Discharge-Aversary is coming up next week. In fact, it may be the day that I start the job. Doo doo doo doo.
I have been trying for the last several years to get myself to a point where I actually feel confident in entering the professional realm of eating disorder treatment. I have spent over a decade in the community as a patient. I spent the last few years trying to gradually recede from that identity so as to return in a more impactful form.
I guess you can say that I am trying to be a bit of a hungry caterpillar. I spent 7 years going around and gobbling up whatever I could find. Sometimes, I spat it out. Other times, I digested it. Finally, I had gathered enough knowledge to sustain myself throughout my transformation. I wound myself up in a cocoon of recovery and introspection. Now, I feel as though I have finally transformed all of that inner nourishment into the beautiful form of a deeply colorful butterfly. I am ready to flit about and share what I can with those who are willing to listen.
It is so remarkable to me that I am halfway to my own practice. That I am actually succeeding at taking all of the necessary steps to achieve my goal. I have finally found my lot in life. In so many ways. There is so much peace that comes with that. There is still a lot of apprehension. Mostly, there is an incredible amount of security and confidence.
I am a bit nervous about taking on a job along with a full load of courses, a new apartment, and sole responsibility of my daughter in the next month. However, I am also aware that it will not all happen at once. I start the job next week. I move into my place in 2 weeks. Which, it isn't as though I am moving to the other side of the globe. In a lot of ways, I will be much closer to my support network. Then, I have a full month to settle in before classes start up again. It will be a bit chaotic. Thankfully, I feed off of being busy. I get so much more done with less time on my hands. There is definitely some psychology behind that.
Alas, I skipped my therapy appointment last week to take all of the kids to the zoo. She is now on vacation for 2 weeks. So, any clarification on that point will have to wait.
OH OH OH!!!
Before I forget!
I stumbled upon this great app for those of you who find that you suffer from ups and downs with regards to moods and anxiety. It even has a feature that helps you practice thought restructuring! It is a bit pricey; but, I think it is worth it. Very user friendly. It also has a built in journal and goal setter. I would warn some of you that are still struggling with behaviors to not select too many of the healthy eating tips. Remember, there are people out there who are healthy and still need some more beneficial habits. Just don't misuse the tool. Here is the link:MoodKit. My apologies to all of you who still have Crackberries or relic phones.
Moving on to other news.
I have been working off and on with my book. Just blurbs here and there that I am piecing together. Yet, that is not something that is anywhere near ready for the public. Unfortunately, it has been taking up most of my limited free time. So, I truly apologize for my absenteeism from the blogging world.
The most interesting thing about it is that I have not had the need to blog. I really have been kind of coasting when it comes to my life in recent weeks. It isn't that life hasn't been stressful. Just that it hasn't been extraordinarily so. Which, in reality, means that my coping skills have finally improved to a point that makes me capable of handling my life for weeks on end.
This has been incredibly helpful with regards to my relationship.
Sorry O, you had to know that you would pop up in here somewhere.
We have been thrust into this sudden circumstance of being what functions as a "blended family". His two boys (the Cs) got here 6 weeks ago. Add in my little one (D). And voila! We are suddenly functioning as parents of three kids between the ages of 3 and 8. Holy fuckstick batman. What happened to my life and when did it get full of mac n cheese out of the box and finding little socks everywhere!?!
The good news is that we have managed to navigate this could be crisis in a mind blowing example of compromise and modification. I stepped up to watch them full time. I quickly realized that it would just be too much for me with school and the commuting. He got them a sitter for the days that I had school. We tried to get all of the kids to fall asleep together so that we didn't have to cook separate dinners. We quickly realized that mine was just not ready for that. We backed off and now she is begging for a couple of sleepovers.
We started feeling the lurching agony of losing our time together. Of suddenly only having the hour between their bedtime and ours to cram in any alone time. Which inevitably consisted of us vegging out and drinking wine before crawling into bed out of exhaustion. The beautiful thing about it was that there was no resentment. Nobody was mad at the other. We both did what we had to do and communicated to each other how much we missed our time. We finally got a sitter the last couple of Friday nights. One for each of us to have a boys/girls night out and the other to go out together.
This may not seem all that mind blowing to many of you. However, it is like a freaking mind warp to me! He and I haven't even been dating for 8 months and we have managed to handle what would be considered a major lifestyle change without any blowouts. We haven't bottled shit up either. It isn't like we have duct taped our mouths shut for the duration out of necessity. There have been disagreements. There is just no deep seeded resentment that must surface in a flurry of screams and tears. We actually work things out together.
How is this possible?!?!
Well, I have to give myself a huge pat on the back for losing all fears of honest communication. For actually bringing things up in a way that expresses my concerns without framing it in the context of a major issue. I have never felt safe doing that before. Not in the 8 years of relationships that I went through before now. I never trusted the way that I do with him. Security is a wonderful thing.
My daughter just peed on the floor. Guess it is time to sign off.
Peace Love Strength
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Being a Big Girl
Don't lie. We all have this side to us that wants to be taken care of. This scared, helpless and ultimately pathetic aspect of our self that makes us doubt our ability to do anything. Well, if there is one population that has the least amount of control over this element of the self it is the eating disordered and addicted.
Believing that we are helpless and need to be taken care of is reinforced by our maladaptive behaviors which incapacitate us. Thus, we do require all of the help that this little voice tells us that we do. Bottom line is that a secondary gain of our behaviors is that we are taken care of.
Well, what happens when you have decided to get well? When you are in recovery for long enough that you have to put your Big Girl pants on?
C'mon... this is an easy one, folks.
That's right, you guessed it! Some of the other little behaviors that you had begin to rear their ugly head in an attempt to prove that you are still incapable of fending for yourself.
Now, these are not necessarily the primary behaviors that you engaged in while you were still operating under a diagnosis. However, they were present at that time in a sort of supporting role.
Examples??
Somatic symptoms (i.e. fatigue, aches and pains, stomach problems, insomnia)
Anxiety (if you seem panicked, then they will just let you slide)
Quasi acceptable maladaptive behaviors (i.e. over spending, staying up too late, slacking on responsibilities, promiscuity, argumentativeness... you get the idea)
What it amounts to is that you start acting like a 14 year old again. Or, rather, you start acting like you did at the age that your eating disorder or addiction began.
That is a very important thing to remember!
Whenever you stopped dealing with the real world like "normal" people and started to rely upon your drug of choice (be it food, alcohol, or heroine), that is when your emotional growth stopped.
Now, that is not to say that there aren't areas where you are relatively well adapted and (dare I say?) wise. What it means is that when you are faced with situations that you deem as a threat or a crisis, you will revert back to the most advanced behaviors that you have for coping which have not been placed under the umbrella of your diagnosable problems (assuming that you have come far enough to not still have them in the first place).
What, may you ask, has inspired me to revisit this topic?
At the age of 25, I am finally moving out on my own.
Now, it is not that I have never lived outside of the home. I lived with my ex for a few years when we were together. However, I have never actually made the leap of faith to try it all by my onesie.
Granted, it is still somewhere in the book of life that my boyfriend will move in after a few months. It is just that, as of right now, I am doing this on my own. Or at least as on my own as is humanly possible... my Dad has to co-sign for me.
Alas, the realities of living in an economic crisis.
Well, I have been a basket case and a half the last two weeks or so. Primarily because I have been coming to terms with the fact that I can and must take care of myself. Granted, I didn't really have that kind of complete insight at the time. It took a little while. I mean, I knew I was flipping out about the change; but, I didn't quite tie it back to the perpetual victim complex.
Unnamed higher power bless my boyfriend. I am pretty damned sure that he knew what I was flipping out about this whole time. He took it like a champ. He always does. I think the comment of "I will see it after you are moving in," was what really made me recognize that I am doing it on my own.
This is critically important for me.
I don't need to live on my own for an entire year to get confirmation that I am capable of doing it. For me, it is more about being able to make all of the decisions about it on my own. It is about picking and choosing what I want without over analyzing and worrying myself into a fucking frenzy.
This is easier said than done.
I vacillate from excited to terrified to insecure and then back again.
Thankfully, I am the easiest person to read when I am emotional... So, everyone has been supportive.
I think that is the biggest thing that we must recognize as we go through recovery: just because we are doing it on our own, doesn't mean that we are alone.
Personally, I have abandonment issues that could rival those of orphan Annie. So, add fear of being left to fear of being capable and you have someone who desperately wants to be helpless...
It is great to know that I am nowhere near helpless. That it is just this deep and perpetual fear that I have to continue to confront for the rest of my life. Once I have my panic attacks and my momentary meltdowns, I am ready to take on the world through deciding on a color scheme for my living room.
What do you think about mixing really classic blues with bright pops of coral and mint green and robin's egg blue? I think it would have that energetic sense of tranquility that I am looking for.
This is your walking oxymoron signing off...
Peace, Love & Strength
Believing that we are helpless and need to be taken care of is reinforced by our maladaptive behaviors which incapacitate us. Thus, we do require all of the help that this little voice tells us that we do. Bottom line is that a secondary gain of our behaviors is that we are taken care of.
Well, what happens when you have decided to get well? When you are in recovery for long enough that you have to put your Big Girl pants on?
C'mon... this is an easy one, folks.
That's right, you guessed it! Some of the other little behaviors that you had begin to rear their ugly head in an attempt to prove that you are still incapable of fending for yourself.
Now, these are not necessarily the primary behaviors that you engaged in while you were still operating under a diagnosis. However, they were present at that time in a sort of supporting role.
Examples??
Somatic symptoms (i.e. fatigue, aches and pains, stomach problems, insomnia)
Anxiety (if you seem panicked, then they will just let you slide)
Quasi acceptable maladaptive behaviors (i.e. over spending, staying up too late, slacking on responsibilities, promiscuity, argumentativeness... you get the idea)
What it amounts to is that you start acting like a 14 year old again. Or, rather, you start acting like you did at the age that your eating disorder or addiction began.
That is a very important thing to remember!
Whenever you stopped dealing with the real world like "normal" people and started to rely upon your drug of choice (be it food, alcohol, or heroine), that is when your emotional growth stopped.
Now, that is not to say that there aren't areas where you are relatively well adapted and (dare I say?) wise. What it means is that when you are faced with situations that you deem as a threat or a crisis, you will revert back to the most advanced behaviors that you have for coping which have not been placed under the umbrella of your diagnosable problems (assuming that you have come far enough to not still have them in the first place).
What, may you ask, has inspired me to revisit this topic?
At the age of 25, I am finally moving out on my own.
Now, it is not that I have never lived outside of the home. I lived with my ex for a few years when we were together. However, I have never actually made the leap of faith to try it all by my onesie.
Granted, it is still somewhere in the book of life that my boyfriend will move in after a few months. It is just that, as of right now, I am doing this on my own. Or at least as on my own as is humanly possible... my Dad has to co-sign for me.
Alas, the realities of living in an economic crisis.
Well, I have been a basket case and a half the last two weeks or so. Primarily because I have been coming to terms with the fact that I can and must take care of myself. Granted, I didn't really have that kind of complete insight at the time. It took a little while. I mean, I knew I was flipping out about the change; but, I didn't quite tie it back to the perpetual victim complex.
Unnamed higher power bless my boyfriend. I am pretty damned sure that he knew what I was flipping out about this whole time. He took it like a champ. He always does. I think the comment of "I will see it after you are moving in," was what really made me recognize that I am doing it on my own.
This is critically important for me.
I don't need to live on my own for an entire year to get confirmation that I am capable of doing it. For me, it is more about being able to make all of the decisions about it on my own. It is about picking and choosing what I want without over analyzing and worrying myself into a fucking frenzy.
This is easier said than done.
I vacillate from excited to terrified to insecure and then back again.
Thankfully, I am the easiest person to read when I am emotional... So, everyone has been supportive.
I think that is the biggest thing that we must recognize as we go through recovery: just because we are doing it on our own, doesn't mean that we are alone.
Personally, I have abandonment issues that could rival those of orphan Annie. So, add fear of being left to fear of being capable and you have someone who desperately wants to be helpless...
It is great to know that I am nowhere near helpless. That it is just this deep and perpetual fear that I have to continue to confront for the rest of my life. Once I have my panic attacks and my momentary meltdowns, I am ready to take on the world through deciding on a color scheme for my living room.
What do you think about mixing really classic blues with bright pops of coral and mint green and robin's egg blue? I think it would have that energetic sense of tranquility that I am looking for.
This is your walking oxymoron signing off...
Peace, Love & Strength
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
