Being a Big Girl

Don't lie. We all have this side to us that wants to be taken care of. This scared, helpless and ultimately pathetic aspect of our self that makes us doubt our ability to do anything. Well, if there is one population that has the least amount of control over this element of the self it is the eating disordered and addicted.

Believing that we are helpless and need to be taken care of is reinforced by our maladaptive behaviors which incapacitate us. Thus, we do require all of the help that this little voice tells us that we do. Bottom line is that a secondary gain of our behaviors is that we are taken care of.

Well, what happens when you have decided to get well? When you are in recovery for long enough that you have to put your Big Girl pants on?

C'mon... this is an easy one, folks.



That's right, you guessed it! Some of the other little behaviors that you had begin to rear their ugly head in an attempt to prove that you are still incapable of fending for yourself.

Now, these are not necessarily the primary behaviors that you engaged in while you were still operating under a diagnosis. However, they were present at that time in a sort of supporting role.

Examples??

Somatic symptoms (i.e. fatigue, aches and pains, stomach problems, insomnia)
Anxiety (if you seem panicked, then they will just let you slide)
Quasi acceptable maladaptive behaviors (i.e. over spending, staying up too late, slacking on responsibilities, promiscuity, argumentativeness... you get the idea)

What it amounts to is that you start acting like a 14 year old again. Or, rather, you start acting like you did at the age that your eating disorder or addiction began.

That is a very important thing to remember!

Whenever you stopped dealing with the real world like "normal" people and started to rely upon your drug of choice (be it food, alcohol, or heroine), that is when your emotional growth stopped.

Now, that is not to say that there aren't areas where you are relatively well adapted and (dare I say?) wise. What it means is that when you are faced with situations that you deem as a threat or a crisis, you will revert back to the most advanced behaviors that you have for coping which have not been placed under the umbrella of your diagnosable problems (assuming that you have come far enough to not still have them in the first place).


What, may you ask, has inspired me to revisit this topic?


At the age of 25, I am finally moving out on my own.


Now, it is not that I have never lived outside of the home. I lived with my ex for a few years when we were together. However, I have never actually made the leap of faith to try it all by my onesie.

Granted, it is still somewhere in the book of life that my boyfriend will move in after a few months. It is just that, as of right now, I am doing this on my own. Or at least as on my own as is humanly possible... my Dad has to co-sign for me.

Alas, the realities of living in an economic crisis.

 Well, I have been a basket case and a half the last two weeks or so. Primarily because I have been coming to terms with the fact that I can and must take care of myself. Granted, I didn't really have that kind of complete insight at the time. It took a little while. I mean, I knew I was flipping out about the change; but, I didn't quite tie it back to the perpetual victim complex.


Unnamed higher power bless my boyfriend. I am pretty damned sure that he knew what I was flipping out about this whole time. He took it like a champ. He always does. I think the comment of "I will see it after you are moving in," was what really made me recognize that I am doing it on my own.

This is critically important for me.


I don't need to live on my own for an entire year to get confirmation that I am capable of doing it. For me, it is more about being able to make all of the decisions about it on my own. It is about picking and choosing what I want without over analyzing and worrying myself into a fucking frenzy.

This is easier said than done.

I vacillate from excited to terrified to insecure and then back again.

Thankfully, I am the easiest person to read when I am emotional... So, everyone has been supportive.


I think that is the biggest thing that we must recognize as we go through recovery: just because we are doing it on our own, doesn't mean that we are alone.

Personally, I have abandonment issues that could rival those of orphan Annie. So, add fear of being left to fear of being capable and you have someone who desperately wants to be helpless...


It is great to know that I am nowhere near helpless. That it is just this deep and perpetual fear that I have to continue to confront for the rest of my life. Once I have my panic attacks and my momentary meltdowns, I am ready to take on the world through deciding on a color scheme for my living room.


What do you think about mixing really classic blues with bright pops of coral and mint green and robin's egg blue? I think it would have that energetic sense of tranquility that I am looking for.


This is your walking oxymoron signing off...

Peace, Love & Strength