Full Circle

The interesting thing about life is that it tends to be cyclical. At least for me. Which, I have had an eating disorder. So, cyclical stuff tends to attract me ;)

In all seriousness, I am beginning to notice a certain level of consistency and predictability in my life. Shocking, I know. Things are beginning to happen in such a way that they do not catch me off guard and/or throw me off balance. In essence, I am cycling through a certain series of events that are relatively familiar to me even if the details are the same.

The Big Circle

I was going to sign my daughter up for ballet classes. I know. I know. Dance academies are infested with eating disorders and negative body image. I did it as a child and I can still remember the frail instructors and the little girls pinching in the mirrors that were all around. It is nightmarish. Well, my daughter desperately wants to do it. I found one of those Groupon deals and decided to give it a try. Thankfully, you had to go into the place to fill out paperwork before you brought the child in for classes. All three of the women that were there (2 of which were instructors and 1 was a student/receptionist) were seriously underweight. I pretended that I was looking for another business. I will eat the $69 on that "deal" and spare my 3 year old from that kind of exposure.

I also took her to Disneyland this past weekend. It was ermmmm difficult to say the least. The days were long and hot and the sun was beating down on us and my toddler was kicking the ground or rolling on it in protests to the "happiest" place on earth.  I can vividly remember leaving Disneyland at around 6 years old (my sister was probably 3) and my mother saying "We are NOT coming back here again until both of you are old enough to appreciate it!" and we didn't.... In fact, I don't think that I ever went back to Disneyland with my mother. I went in high school a couple of times. At any rate, I can remember telling D as we left the park on Sunday "Don't worry honey, next time we come back you will be big enough to go on more of the rides."

Now, don't get the misinformed impression that I handled the situation of my demonized toddler at Disneyland with dignity and grace. I did my best. But, I will admit that I resorted to a mental breakdown in the women's restroom at the Rainforest Cafe after my daughter had to be taken outside (after having already been in time out) for kicking the table. To which my darling daughter responded by saying "Will you be happy if I give you a hug, Mama?" "No, I will be happy when you behave." "Ummmmm Will you be happy if I give youuuu ummm FIVE hugs?".... I managed to laugh and sob simultaneously. And yes, I was sitting on the toilet in the handicap stall throughout this. Motherhood is all about multitasking people. You don't get to just have a mental breakdown.... You have to at least pee while you do it.

The Relationship Circle

There is this funny thing about relationships... They tend to run on a pretty brutal schedule. At least with regards to the issues that are discussed and the way in which they are handled. The deal breakers tend to evolve as the relationship evolves. The conversations will inevitably center around similar topics at any given point and in any relationship. Here is the general time line:

0-1 Month: Is the sex good?
1-3 Months: What do we have to talk about? Do I like their friends? Can I tolerate them while intoxicated? Is the sex still good? Do they belong to a cult? Do they seem to have any issues that may have escaped my notice while we were having sex?
3-6 Months: Is this worth the time investment? Do we have the same values? Who are the girls/guys that they hang out with? Do I think they can be committed? Can I be committed? Is the sex still good? Does my family like them? Do we have the same views on marriage and children?

Now the interesting thing about these first three stages is that you are more than willing to accept moderately satisfactory answers. There are certain things that you can shrug off and say that you will "cross that bridge when you get there". The next few stages are about getting to those bridges and deciding to cross them.

6-9 Months: There is generally some suspicion about fidelity surfacing in here somewhere. The novelty has worn off and odds are that you have seen each other pee and smelled their farts. You are now human, not merely sexy. However, it is definitely still critical to maintain the sex. Always maintain the sex. I hate when women downplay the importance of their and/or their partner's sexual satisfaction in a relationship. Anyway, tangent... There is also the resurfacing of those marriage and family concerns. You really start to look at whether or not you can see your life unfolding with this person. You may start to point out the areas that are bothersome a bit more. What was satisfactory at 4 months is no longer satisfactory at 7 months.... that is a lot closer to a year!

9-12 Months: This is when the decisions to cross the bridge begin. If you are going to commit over a year of your life to someone, then you need to know that they have the potential to go the distance. The nit picking and the discussions about moving in will ensue. The fine tuning of "how would you raise children" and "how many children" and the other logistics begin to get hashed out. You are, in all honesty, checking your bases to make sure that you haven't managed to miss a reason to leave. You have obviously found plenty of reasons to stay. Are they the right reasons to continue to stay? Are they valid and do they have longevity?

Now, these two are the most challenging stages in a relationship. You both obviously care about each other. You wouldn't be around for 6 months if you didn't. You also care about yourselves. It is painful to have the hard conversations. To discuss the things that may not result in the answers that you want to hear. These things force you to look at your own views and to truly question them in relation to your significant other's. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, though. If you have these hard talks and you make it through to the year, then you can carry on in relative peace and confidence. You will know whether or not you have found The One or not. You will then be able to live in the moment and not in fear of what the future will hold. Yes, certain topics will be revisited. The big ones like marriage and children will continue to come up even after you "check them of the list". Yet, you will know the basics and have the foundation. Everything else will just be for the sake of clarification and growing with the current state of affairs.


The curious thing here is that I have gone through two previous "serious long-term relationships". Unfortunately, I went about them the wrong way. I never ever ever had it in my mind that I would be capable of leaving if anything turned up that I was not satisfied with. I didn't stay because I was happy. I stayed because I was not able to leave. I had some of these talks; but not most. The ones that I did have, I did not have in the right way. I also did not pay much attention to the answers. I didn't put much weight behind them. I just went through the motions. I never actually evaluated whether or not the relationship was something that I wanted.

That is not the case this time around the block. Maybe the trite saying of "third time's the charm" is applicable here. Maybe I have just grown up and into myself enough to be confident in my ability to survive were I to break things off. At any rate, I have never shied away from asking O about anything and everything. Nor have I ever shied away from telling him the truth about where I stand on anything and everything. I have given myself time to think about things. I have gathered my thoughts over periods of hours, days, weeks, and/or months.

There have been a few times where we have really disagreed. Where subjects have been put on and off the table. There have been things that I have had to hash out with friends and my therapist and my journal in order to determine where I stand on them. There have been things that he has had to weigh and evaluate on his own. It hasn't necessarily been easy or 100% pleasant. Yet, as we creep past 8 months, I am becoming more and more confident that we have longevity. Something that I have never really felt before.

The Recovery Circle

This is something that I have only experienced vicariously in recent weeks. However, it is something that I am very much familiar with from many years ago. It always starts and ends in the same place: body image.

This is something that I haven't really talked about in a while. My mentee brought it up with me recently and it gave me cause to sit and pause and really think about how I have handled the body image piece of recovery in recent months.

Truth? There are plenty of days that I am not 100% satisfied with how my body looks and/or feels.
Truth? I do not let that feeling impair my functioning or effect my eating or physical activity.
Truth? I don't know when I will consistently be happy with my body from every angle.
Truth? I am perfectly ok with that because I have much more important things to occupy me.
Truth? I am still guilty of wishing I had bigger tits, a tighter ass, firmer thighs, and flatter abs.
Truth? I still just do my yoga (once a week... if I remember) and I still eat ice cream.
Truth? I am confident in the reality that I will perpetually want more and find a way to be content with what I have... I was never content when I was X pounds and X sizes less than I am now.
Truth? Whatever negative thoughts I have are fleeting and easy to forget.

This is the harsh reality about recovering from the body image piece of an eating disorder. It is the last piece to go, if it ever does. There are plenty of people who function normally and don't have any problems with behaviors... but they still don't like their reflection. It is sad. It does suck. BUT it sucks less than my eating disorder did.

It is something that I have just come to terms with. I don't really allow it to penetrate or to bother me. I do my best to avoid places and people that would make me hyper conscious of the underlying dissatisfaction. I don't go to a gym. I don't go to a yoga studio. I don't go to tanning salons. I don' talk with people about food, dieting, or weight. I don't have any friends who are "health nuts". I just have done my best to change my lifestyle so that I do not have to confront the body image piece on an hourly basis. Maybe once a week or for that one week out of the month will I be aware of this lingering issue.

Now, please do not misread this to think that I am miserable with my body and I can't stand to look at myself. That isn't true at all. There are far more days now, than ever in my life, that I like my body than that I hate my body. I love my waist and my calves and my back and my shoulders and my ass and my thighs. I love my female form. I know the power that it has and the purpose that it serves in my life. I love to accentuate my figure. I love to really work it when I am having a feel good day. The reality is that most days I just don't think about it. The days that I do, it is either that I love it or that I wish it was better in this area or that. There really isn't that deep distaste that there was when I was in my disorder. There isn't that masochistic relationship with my body. I appreciate it. I don't put more weight (ba dum chi) on it than is necessary. I do not equate my value with my body's size or shape. They are separate issues now.


These are some of the things that have come to light for me recently. I hope that you all can appreciate them for what they are and gain some insight into your own lives. Never underestimate the impact of introspection. It is the most valuable tool that you have in recovery. Especially when it is combined with a journal.

Peace, Love, & Strength :)