When it Comes to Life....

There is something that my father always tells me... That I always seem to forget until he says it again

"Just remember, dear, like everything else... this too shall pass."

I have finally gotten to an age where I do not begrudge my father for being right. I am more towards the age where I know I will be lost without him being there to tell me when I am wrong...


If one thing is for certain, it is that nothing ever is.... that is what my father is always trying to impress upon me. That you cannot cling to much of anything... only savor it for what it is in that moment.... because odds are that it will change in the blink of an eye.... everything shall pass.


Fittingly enough, when it comes to his daughters.... we both crave certainty.... Nothing makes my sister or I more anxiety ridden when there is uncertainty in our lives.



You can tell me that: my identity has been stolen, I have stage 4 cancer, my boyfriend has left me, and my cat has been run over....... I can handle that..... I can not handle being told "we don't know".


There is something in me that tells me that this is my great lesson in life... A lesson that my father has impressed upon me as being of the utmost importance in my life... To just let things be


I am trying.... The last couple of days.... I am trying


Just to get my strength back.... to fight through the fog and the uncertainty and to focus on that which is certain

• laundry will always exist
• my daughter will always challenge my resolve
• cooking (onions will always turn translucent if you put them over medium heat with salt)
• that my boyfriend is there when I go to sleep and when I wake up
• that I have a few friends who still answer their phones when they find time
• few things bring me greater joy than learning something about the human condition

I am trying....

I didn't skip breakfast or lunch today.... that's a decent start...

*sigh*


I really do hate feeling like I am back to the beginning again....

Remember, dear..... this too shall pass

What it Feels Like

I am still grasping at straws and trying to make some sort of sense out of what is happening. I don't like this feeling. I really really don't....


I feel as though so many aspects of my self are on mute... They are paused or frozen or somehow paralyzed... I don't quite know how to explain it

I also don't quite understand where exactly this complete lack of motivation or caring has come from. It isn't like me.... but it seems to be all encompassing lately.

Few things are really getting me excited or enthused or even interested. My mind is constantly a million miles away and it isn't really settling on anything. I don't feel like I can focus or like I really even want to.


I only feel motivated by necessity when the right combination for factors collide. Even then, it feels somehow false...

There is no hunger... no thirst... everything that I have to do seems boring and trite. I feel like a god damn cry baby right now; but this is where I am at and I need to get to the fucking bottom of it.


When I close my eyes and try to clear my thoughts... there is no peace... it is just this sense of throbbing pulse... it isn't pressing or urgent or inspiring... just irritating and I want it to stop..


That is something that really bothers me. That feeling or sense that I just want it all to stop. That I want to throw all of the obligations and the burdens and the weight off of my shoulders. Feeling like I am cracking... That some little drop of poison has stayed hidden beneath all of the wounds that I thought I had healed so well.... only to break through them all over again when I least expected it


I tell myself that I will eventually feel better... that I will get back on top of it... that I will suddenly be me again... just as suddenly as I realized that I wasn't....

Yet, I am struck with this sense of fear that I never really have had a grasp on who I am for long enough to really know what is real and what isn't...... As though I have been kidding myself for the last few years.....


That I was trying to prove it to my self just as much as I was trying to prove it to everyone else


Only to realize that I worked my ass off and didn't prove much to myself at all.



I feel this huge upwelling of pain... In this moment... I am not sure where it is coming from or why it is coming right now.... but it is

There is that hot sting in my eyes and that lump in my throat and I don't know what is causing it and that is perhaps what makes it worse.


I feel that disconnect again. That sudden realization that I have somehow allowed the fragile inroads between my mind, heart, and body become overgrown. That the connections are weak and need work.



I am afraid.


Of a lot of things...








I feel broken. I feel like I have forgotten so much of what it takes for me to do what needs to be done. I feel like I let my guard down for that little bit too long. I feel like I am suddenly fighting that voice in my head every minute and it is taking everything that I have...

I am afraid that it has happened at just the right time to really fuck things up.... I don't want that. I really really don't.... Yet, I can't seem to get myself up off of this couch to do much of anything about it... I lost the tears and I needed to cry.


fck

These Are My Confessions

I have been bouncing the idea of doing a post like this around in my head for the last few days. My final thoughts on it are that I need to do it in order to maintain the legitimacy of what this blog is about. That being said, this will not be an uplifting or heartwarming blog. However, it will be honest.


About 6 or 7 weeks ago, something inside of me started to unravel. I can spend time beating around the bush and hypothesizing what caused it.... But I would rather just spit it out at this point. I started to slip. It had been at least a year (if not more) since I had had any slips to speak of.... Suddenly, I was just slipping and sliding and I couldn't really grab a hold of anything. In the last several weeks, I have had about a half to a dozen episodes, I have restricted, I have used aids.... I have fallen right back into all of the old habits that I thought were years behind me.... I blinked and I was suddenly unaware of who or what I was anymore.

The unfortunate thing about it is that I felt trapped in it. I feel trapped in it. I feel as though actually saying how bad it got somehow removes all legitimacy from everything that it is that I have every written or said about recovery. So, I didn't....

That just made it worse. Feeling like I was somehow fraudulent. As though everything about me and what I stood for was somehow being obliterated every single time I turned away from a bag of chips or ate an entire one.

That is an awful feeling.


It dragged me straight back into that vicious cycle that we all know too well. Into the self-doubt and the self-loathing and the depression and the paralyzing anxiety. Into foul moods and repeatedly failing to act. Which is an act in and of itself.

I opted to hide.

I didn't seek social situations. I didn't blog. I didn't do my school work. I didn't do much with my daughter. I didn't return phone calls. I didn't follow up on appointments or responsibilities. I hosted a pity party for one. Then I just put on a happy face anytime I was forced to.

I lost my authenticity.... something that I have taken great pride and identity from over the last few years.

I lost my drive, my passion.... something that has kept my head above water.

In many ways I just let go of myself.... of the self that I have created and strengthened over nearly half a decade..... I just let go and allowed all of the vile thoughts from ED back in....

"You are not enough"
"You can't eat that"
"You are fat"
"You are a failure"
"You are an awful mother"
"You are a terrible girlfriend"
"You will never become anything"
"You have no real purpose"
"You are a fraud"
etcetera etcetera etcetera


I am trying to remember what it is that I am supposed to do to get out of this. I haven't had a slip like this in about 2 years.... meaning repeated slips that creep towards diagnosis.... something that I never ever thought I could even come close to again.

I feel shaken. I feel uprooted. I feel like I don't know where to begin. Or where to end.

I know that there is one thing that made a critical difference when I began to recover that I have stopped doing.... one thing that I push onto everyone else and have become afraid of doing again....

Journaling.....

I don't mean blogging.... This is written for the eyes of others. I do my best to be transparent and forthright. However, knowing that it is out there for all to see tends to inhibit me from going down paths that I know I would go down with pen and paper.

There is something wonderful about putting a pen to paper.....

I used to write everything by hand.... Now I only sign checks and fill out paperwork once every few months.... Or take exams at about the same interval.... Everything is typed.


I looked at my old journal from MNV a few weeks ago. The pages were textured from the pressure of my handwriting. From the passion that cam out of me and into the pen and onto the paper.

That is the only place that I know where to begin again... journaling... writing... looking into the dark places that scare me... instead of hiding from them.

I apologize for letting you all down.... It plagues me.

Soooo.... Now What?...

There is this strange thing that seems to be going on inside of my heart and my mind lately..... It is really, really, really weird.... It seems to be trying to convince that.... I don't know how to say this....

It will be ok. It will all work out. Everything is going where it needs to.... Relax.... RELAX!!

Problem is that I am pretty much incapable of relaxing.... it is like trying to understand what Mitt Romney's actual policies are.... There is just no understanding it.... I am.... FUBAR


Alright, so.... what is it that has sparked this sudden and paralyzing fear of "okness"?


I finally got to hear what everybody wants to hear someday.....

Or at least every female.......................




I got to hear sincerity in the voice of the man that I am completely in love with. Sincerity as he expressed his desire to live happily ever after.....

Not pretty lies......Beautiful truths.....


It is mind baffling.


ME?!?!


But whyyyyyyyyyyyyy??


I am:

• moody
• messy
• needy
• clingy
• loud
• spoiled
• overly talkative
• out of touch with reality
• loaded with baggage
• demanding
• critical
• perfectionistic
• controlling
• caught up in my own little world 99.99999% of the time
• oblivious
• did I mention needy??

I literally had to call my therapist and ask her how I am supposed to handle this.


Let me put that another way....

I called my therapist because I didn't know what to do with being told that I was everything that somebody else ever wanted.....

I suppose that I should add "lunatic" onto that list somewhere....


Believe it or not.... this is where shit gets really interesting....




I allow myself to sit with it.... 

I pushed all of the doubt and fear and "what if's" out of my mind and let myself see it.... the whole fucking picture..... the funky house and the kids and the jobs and the themed parties and the traveling.... the waking up in the middle of the night at the exact same moment just to snuggle closer.... the Happily Ever After

And.... for once..... it actually seemed plausible...... not just possible.... plausible.... probable.... like it actually made sense.... that it wasn't just emotionally charged day dreams.... but common sense, too.


Holy fuck balls. 


I found him.........

Now what?!?!?!


Oh right...... I have next to NO idea what I want to do with my life.....

That's right, people..... I allow myself to accept that my personal life is actually doing just fine and I am suddenly right back in crisis mode over my academic and professional life............

*facepalm*


But wait.... there's more!

I actually have the balls to kiiiiiiiinda tell him this.... which in me talk translates to sending him a slew of text messages about my being panicked over my future career path and him taking me out and me saying one very critical sentence:

"I am so used to pushing my school and everything else aside because I feel like my romantic relationship is going to kill me if I don't focus on it.... Now, It's like ok... my relationship is just fine... what the fuck am I going to do about the rest of my life?!? It's a shit show!"

I think I paraphrased a bit there.... But, he just laughed as he watched me express my anxiety through animated hand gestures and facial expressions that consistently included my eyes bugging out of my skull...... 



So now.... A week after all of this has hit..... I am sitting in the library... with a midterm tomorrow.... and I can't bring myself to study.... I am still listless and lost and I don't know what the fuck I am going to do about it..... I don't have an end goal to propel me..... Just a feeling of obligation

That isn't exactly motivational....

I know that this is the right field for me.... I have no doubts about that.... I just don't know where I will go or what I will do in it.... I can't possibly figure that out any time soon and I need to keep doing my thing and nailing these classes to the wall.... but I just can't fucking get myself geared up.....

I was kind of hoping that writing might help.... It didn't

blech.....................

Crisis of Faith

I know... I am abysmal at posting lately.... I will get back into the flow of it.... I have just been hibernating on a psychological level for the last several weeks.

I have been avoiding doing much of anything to be completely honest with you.

I haven't read.
I haven't written.
I haven't journaled.
I haven't done yoga.
I haven't exercised much of any interest in anything.... at all....

I feel.... muted.

That is actually a really good word for it: muted.

It is as though I am putting everything on mute. My fears, my desires, my passions... I have pretty much been abstaining from everything but sleep, sex, and food.

I am more than a bit ashamed of myself.

I feel as though I have lost this passion that was so strong within me for so long.

I was talking to O yesterday and for the first time I vocalized what I have been thinking for a few weeks now

"I don't think that I want to have much of anything to do with eating disorders anymore. I think that I may actually be ready to close that chapter in my life."

The trick now is to figure out what the new one will be....

I was talking to my therapist today and I told her that I really didn't know what to do with myself....

My relationship is phenomenal.
My custody battle is over for the near and forseeable future.
I am in a grad school program.
My daughter is doing really well.

Now, I just have to refocus on myself.


Somehow, over the last several months.... I just lost that focus.

I zeroed in on everyone else's problems and allowed new problems to develop for myself.

I find myself in this bizarre state of paralysis. Something that I have not experienced for several years. Something that I do not like where I think that it may be coming from.

I have this nasty habit.... something that I have done for my entire life.... something that seems to happen without me realizing it until it is completely out of control..... it's called co-dependency.

Something that every therapist that I have ever had has told me to look at and I have adamantly refused.   For those who aren't aware.... usually the things that you refuse to work on in therapy are the things that you actually need to.... Fuck.

See, I always took care of my sister as a child. Then I took care of a couple of really close friends in middle school. Then I took care of a mixture of problem friends and boyfriends. Then I took care of pets. Then I took care of my daughter (this is obviously acceptable and normal)..... Now, I am attempting to force myself from starting to take care of O.... it is hard.

I am naturally that type. It is innate. Yet, I am beginning to realize that it is taking on an aspect that I don't like.

Put simply.... I am finding myself doing something that I used to do in my last relationship.... Something that I was kind of forced to do in that one and I am managing to force upon myself in this one.... Waiting.

If there is one sure fire way to make yourself miserable and your partner edgy... It is to wait for them.

Wait until you make plans.
Wait until you cook dinner.
Wait until you go to bed.
Wait until you get dressed.
Wait....... until they tell you what they are doing.


I didn't even realize that I was doing this until last night. Then, I was suddenly stricken with my own stupidity. I am replicating a pattern. I am returning to what I was taught was the normal pattern within a relationship.... that is not actually a normal pattern within a relationship.

*facepalm*

I have now acknowledge the presence of several problems in my life that all have a root cause: unhealthy patterns.

This is where I sit and I think for a few moments about what I have learned in my decade+ of therapy and my 4+ years of school....

*jeopardy music plays in my head*



"When you recognize an unhealthy pattern of thought or behavior, then you must do something to alter your typical process"- primary therapist in treatment

This ties into the age old definition of insanity: trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results....

Time to do the whole breaking down the process thing where I have to dig up memories and pin point the optimal point of pattern interruption

*jeopardy music again*

 So, anytime that I used to recognize that I was in some way putting someone else's needs ahead of my own.... I usually lashed out at them. I would cancel an actual set of plans to go do something with someone else and be nasty and harsh with the person without ever explaining it.... Only to eventually have them ask me wtf was wrong with me and for me to revert to the initial state of placating them and ignoring myself...... Not good.


So, now I interrupted the pattern....

Although I already knew the answer to the question.... I needed to challenge all of those hidden layers of unconscious doubt and blame.... I asked my boyfriend a really dumb question.... If he would mind if I went out when he was here..... "not even a little bit"

AHA!

Proof!

I am, for the first time in my conscious memory, able to go and do something for myself without having to worry about the implications that it may have on my critical relationship.

Love and affection is not dependent upon my being docile, reliable, and constantly accessible.... I don't need to make my plans around someone else in order to maintain that love and affection.... Being considerate is enough.


Mind=Blown






Time to get on with my day..... :)