It will be ok. It will all work out. Everything is going where it needs to.... Relax.... RELAX!!
Problem is that I am pretty much incapable of relaxing.... it is like trying to understand what Mitt Romney's actual policies are.... There is just no understanding it.... I am.... FUBAR
Alright, so.... what is it that has sparked this sudden and paralyzing fear of "okness"?
I finally got to hear what everybody wants to hear someday.....
Or at least every female.......................
I got to hear sincerity in the voice of the man that I am completely in love with. Sincerity as he expressed his desire to live happily ever after.....
Not pretty lies......Beautiful truths.....
It is mind baffling.
ME?!?!
But whyyyyyyyyyyyyy??
I am:
- moody
- messy
- needy
- clingy
- loud
- spoiled
- overly talkative
- out of touch with reality
- loaded with baggage
- demanding
- critical
- perfectionistic
- controlling
- caught up in my own little world 99.99999% of the time
- oblivious
- did I mention needy??
I literally had to call my therapist and ask her how I am supposed to handle this.
Let me put that another way....
I called my therapist because I didn't know what to do with being told that I was everything that somebody else ever wanted.....
I suppose that I should add "lunatic" onto that list somewhere....
Believe it or not.... this is where shit gets really interesting....
I allow myself to sit with it....
I pushed all of the doubt and fear and "what if's" out of my mind and let myself see it.... the whole fucking picture..... the funky house and the kids and the jobs and the themed parties and the traveling.... the waking up in the middle of the night at the exact same moment just to snuggle closer.... the Happily Ever After
And.... for once..... it actually seemed plausible...... not just possible.... plausible.... probable.... like it actually made sense.... that it wasn't just emotionally charged day dreams.... but common sense, too.
Holy fuck balls.
I found him.........
Now what?!?!?!
Oh right...... I have next to NO idea what I want to do with my life.....
That's right, people..... I allow myself to accept that my personal life is actually doing just fine and I am suddenly right back in crisis mode over my academic and professional life............
*facepalm*
But wait.... there's more!
I actually have the balls to kiiiiiiiinda tell him this.... which in me talk translates to sending him a slew of text messages about my being panicked over my future career path and him taking me out and me saying one very critical sentence:
"I am so used to pushing my school and everything else aside because I feel like my romantic relationship is going to kill me if I don't focus on it.... Now, It's like ok... my relationship is just fine... what the fuck am I going to do about the rest of my life?!? It's a shit show!"
I think I paraphrased a bit there.... But, he just laughed as he watched me express my anxiety through animated hand gestures and facial expressions that consistently included my eyes bugging out of my skull......
So now.... A week after all of this has hit..... I am sitting in the library... with a midterm tomorrow.... and I can't bring myself to study.... I am still listless and lost and I don't know what the fuck I am going to do about it..... I don't have an end goal to propel me..... Just a feeling of obligation
That isn't exactly motivational....
I know that this is the right field for me.... I have no doubts about that.... I just don't know where I will go or what I will do in it.... I can't possibly figure that out any time soon and I need to keep doing my thing and nailing these classes to the wall.... but I just can't fucking get myself geared up.....
I was kind of hoping that writing might help.... It didn't
blech.....................
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