These Are My Confessions

I have been bouncing the idea of doing a post like this around in my head for the last few days. My final thoughts on it are that I need to do it in order to maintain the legitimacy of what this blog is about. That being said, this will not be an uplifting or heartwarming blog. However, it will be honest.


About 6 or 7 weeks ago, something inside of me started to unravel. I can spend time beating around the bush and hypothesizing what caused it.... But I would rather just spit it out at this point. I started to slip. It had been at least a year (if not more) since I had had any slips to speak of.... Suddenly, I was just slipping and sliding and I couldn't really grab a hold of anything. In the last several weeks, I have had about a half to a dozen episodes, I have restricted, I have used aids.... I have fallen right back into all of the old habits that I thought were years behind me.... I blinked and I was suddenly unaware of who or what I was anymore.

The unfortunate thing about it is that I felt trapped in it. I feel trapped in it. I feel as though actually saying how bad it got somehow removes all legitimacy from everything that it is that I have every written or said about recovery. So, I didn't....

That just made it worse. Feeling like I was somehow fraudulent. As though everything about me and what I stood for was somehow being obliterated every single time I turned away from a bag of chips or ate an entire one.

That is an awful feeling.


It dragged me straight back into that vicious cycle that we all know too well. Into the self-doubt and the self-loathing and the depression and the paralyzing anxiety. Into foul moods and repeatedly failing to act. Which is an act in and of itself.

I opted to hide.

I didn't seek social situations. I didn't blog. I didn't do my school work. I didn't do much with my daughter. I didn't return phone calls. I didn't follow up on appointments or responsibilities. I hosted a pity party for one. Then I just put on a happy face anytime I was forced to.

I lost my authenticity.... something that I have taken great pride and identity from over the last few years.

I lost my drive, my passion.... something that has kept my head above water.

In many ways I just let go of myself.... of the self that I have created and strengthened over nearly half a decade..... I just let go and allowed all of the vile thoughts from ED back in....

"You are not enough"
"You can't eat that"
"You are fat"
"You are a failure"
"You are an awful mother"
"You are a terrible girlfriend"
"You will never become anything"
"You have no real purpose"
"You are a fraud"
etcetera etcetera etcetera


I am trying to remember what it is that I am supposed to do to get out of this. I haven't had a slip like this in about 2 years.... meaning repeated slips that creep towards diagnosis.... something that I never ever thought I could even come close to again.

I feel shaken. I feel uprooted. I feel like I don't know where to begin. Or where to end.

I know that there is one thing that made a critical difference when I began to recover that I have stopped doing.... one thing that I push onto everyone else and have become afraid of doing again....

Journaling.....

I don't mean blogging.... This is written for the eyes of others. I do my best to be transparent and forthright. However, knowing that it is out there for all to see tends to inhibit me from going down paths that I know I would go down with pen and paper.

There is something wonderful about putting a pen to paper.....

I used to write everything by hand.... Now I only sign checks and fill out paperwork once every few months.... Or take exams at about the same interval.... Everything is typed.


I looked at my old journal from MNV a few weeks ago. The pages were textured from the pressure of my handwriting. From the passion that cam out of me and into the pen and onto the paper.

That is the only place that I know where to begin again... journaling... writing... looking into the dark places that scare me... instead of hiding from them.

I apologize for letting you all down.... It plagues me.