What it Feels Like

I am still grasping at straws and trying to make some sort of sense out of what is happening. I don't like this feeling. I really really don't....


I feel as though so many aspects of my self are on mute... They are paused or frozen or somehow paralyzed... I don't quite know how to explain it

I also don't quite understand where exactly this complete lack of motivation or caring has come from. It isn't like me.... but it seems to be all encompassing lately.

Few things are really getting me excited or enthused or even interested. My mind is constantly a million miles away and it isn't really settling on anything. I don't feel like I can focus or like I really even want to.


I only feel motivated by necessity when the right combination for factors collide. Even then, it feels somehow false...

There is no hunger... no thirst... everything that I have to do seems boring and trite. I feel like a god damn cry baby right now; but this is where I am at and I need to get to the fucking bottom of it.


When I close my eyes and try to clear my thoughts... there is no peace... it is just this sense of throbbing pulse... it isn't pressing or urgent or inspiring... just irritating and I want it to stop..


That is something that really bothers me. That feeling or sense that I just want it all to stop. That I want to throw all of the obligations and the burdens and the weight off of my shoulders. Feeling like I am cracking... That some little drop of poison has stayed hidden beneath all of the wounds that I thought I had healed so well.... only to break through them all over again when I least expected it


I tell myself that I will eventually feel better... that I will get back on top of it... that I will suddenly be me again... just as suddenly as I realized that I wasn't....

Yet, I am struck with this sense of fear that I never really have had a grasp on who I am for long enough to really know what is real and what isn't...... As though I have been kidding myself for the last few years.....


That I was trying to prove it to my self just as much as I was trying to prove it to everyone else


Only to realize that I worked my ass off and didn't prove much to myself at all.



I feel this huge upwelling of pain... In this moment... I am not sure where it is coming from or why it is coming right now.... but it is

There is that hot sting in my eyes and that lump in my throat and I don't know what is causing it and that is perhaps what makes it worse.


I feel that disconnect again. That sudden realization that I have somehow allowed the fragile inroads between my mind, heart, and body become overgrown. That the connections are weak and need work.



I am afraid.


Of a lot of things...








I feel broken. I feel like I have forgotten so much of what it takes for me to do what needs to be done. I feel like I let my guard down for that little bit too long. I feel like I am suddenly fighting that voice in my head every minute and it is taking everything that I have...

I am afraid that it has happened at just the right time to really fuck things up.... I don't want that. I really really don't.... Yet, I can't seem to get myself up off of this couch to do much of anything about it... I lost the tears and I needed to cry.


fck