I know that my last post was both intense and vague. That makes sense, since I knew what I was feeling but was uncertain about the details that were contributing to it. Sadly, I have to say that the contributing factors have turned out to be rather more dull than you would probably care for.
In short: I am freaking out about actually being able to be a good therapist.
I know... kind of lame.
I have been spending the last year or so working my butt off to meet all of my pre-requisites for my practicum placement. Which really translates to I have been taking the last few courses that I will get before I am actually put in a room with some poor soul who believes that I can help them with their lives. What's more is that poor soul could have some things wrong with them that are going to be a really fucking challenge for me to tolerate and work with. Examples? addicts, adolescents, schizophrenics, philanderers, narcissists, histrionics... just to name a few
In short, I have been flipping out about whether or not I will actually be able to benefit from this career at the same level that I hope to benefit others. Will I scar someone? Will I scar myself?
As a result, I have been doing my good old favorite standby of self sabotaging escapism and avoidance.
I haven't done my resume.
I haven't researched sites.
I haven't applied.
I haven't had the courage to unclench my eyes and look.
It is truly a scary thing. To suddenly be standing on the precipice of all that you have dreamed of and wanted for so many years. To suddenly see all of the threats to your success rather than the factors that contribute to its possibility.
I am emotional.
I can be judgemental.
I have some strong belief systems.
I am impatient.
I hate lazy people.
I am very good at self monitoring... not so good at other monitoring
I talk too much
I have an overly active imagination
I can be dramatic
I mean well, but tend to push too hard too fast
I know that these are common traits with a lot of novice therapists. But it really scares me. I have been a client for so long that I recognize the importance of a strong therapist. I worry about the reverse of that situation and its potential consequences. I mean I still remember sentences that my therapist from middle school said. I still remember how it felt to sit in her office. The therapy room and process is so poignant. Do I really dare to take control of it??
I know that this probably isn't terribly applicable for everyone. Yet, I do think that my months of emotional repression and distraction and funneling into others rather than into myself are things that we can all relate to. Even if the underlying reason is very much unique to me (and a few thousand other graduate students in clinical psychology).
Just wanted to get that out.... It is a trickle of thought for now.... The dam will come undone pretty soon. I am getting there.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Thursday, May 2, 2013
It's Been a While
I have toyed around with shutting down this blog and moving on to another one with another theme. Recreating everything from ashes once again. Yet, something held me back. I couldn't bring myself to put down the message that I had been sending with this blog. Even though I had stepped back from the entire mindset for so long, it was still active and cycling beneath the surface....
It took me a few months to really get a hold on what was going on with my psyche and my entire philosophy on life. Everything was reorganized and restructured and cleaned out. The process has been trying and uncertain. There have been more times in recent months than in recent years that I have doubted where this path that I was on would lead.
It took my doing something that I had forgotten I enjoyed to snap me back into my mind. It isn't an easy thing to understand what is happening inside your own head. You would think that it was; but it really isn't. As such, it usually takes something that is external and impactful to jump start us back onto the path of recognition... of cognizance.
Let me Tarantino this for you...
I was sitting here watching the Colbert Report with my boyfriend and Macklemore & Ryan Lewis came on promoting their album. I honestly had never really heard of them before. In truth, I am far more up to date with innovations in laundry detergent than I am with today's music scene. It's sad. Anyway, I decided that I liked their music and their message. I went with it and actually bought their album on iTunes. As it downloaded, I got the idea to sit and listen to their album... just like in middle school.
It took all of two songs for my mind to pause and clear. It was only a split second of silence amidst the constant hurricane that is the modern day brain. Yet, I was able to see so much in that pause. I suddenly recognized what I have been doing these last few months... Growing... Exploring... Testing.
I am one of those people that fears change and rebels against it. I am also a perpetual masochist and seem bound and determined to expose myself to mild pain at all times. Thus, I am also someone that perpetually seeks out evolution and change... which makes me very uncomfortable. I tend to just duck my head down and go blindly into the storm. Champ it out.
These last six to ten months or so have been treacherous. I have been going through a number of changes and evolutions. The anxiety has been mounting. The discomfort has been getting to be unbearable. I have had to duck my head down lower and lower to navigate my way through. Such a lack of vision has kept me from even absorbing all that I have already done. To allow the accomplishments soak in and experience some level of true satisfaction. Of peace.
In that pause in my mind, I was able to recognize it all. To see the progress that I have made. To really look around and absorb everything that I have done... How different my life has become as a result of it. How much I actually like what I have managed to create. How little I actually have to be so anxious about. How much I have to be truly excited about and proud of in my life....
How far I still have to go.
I just need to figure out how to change my methods a little bit. This presence is something that I have truly been missing. I have experienced a serious amount of discomfort over the inability to be here.
It feels good to be back home.
=D
It took me a few months to really get a hold on what was going on with my psyche and my entire philosophy on life. Everything was reorganized and restructured and cleaned out. The process has been trying and uncertain. There have been more times in recent months than in recent years that I have doubted where this path that I was on would lead.
It took my doing something that I had forgotten I enjoyed to snap me back into my mind. It isn't an easy thing to understand what is happening inside your own head. You would think that it was; but it really isn't. As such, it usually takes something that is external and impactful to jump start us back onto the path of recognition... of cognizance.
Let me Tarantino this for you...
I was sitting here watching the Colbert Report with my boyfriend and Macklemore & Ryan Lewis came on promoting their album. I honestly had never really heard of them before. In truth, I am far more up to date with innovations in laundry detergent than I am with today's music scene. It's sad. Anyway, I decided that I liked their music and their message. I went with it and actually bought their album on iTunes. As it downloaded, I got the idea to sit and listen to their album... just like in middle school.
It took all of two songs for my mind to pause and clear. It was only a split second of silence amidst the constant hurricane that is the modern day brain. Yet, I was able to see so much in that pause. I suddenly recognized what I have been doing these last few months... Growing... Exploring... Testing.
I am one of those people that fears change and rebels against it. I am also a perpetual masochist and seem bound and determined to expose myself to mild pain at all times. Thus, I am also someone that perpetually seeks out evolution and change... which makes me very uncomfortable. I tend to just duck my head down and go blindly into the storm. Champ it out.
These last six to ten months or so have been treacherous. I have been going through a number of changes and evolutions. The anxiety has been mounting. The discomfort has been getting to be unbearable. I have had to duck my head down lower and lower to navigate my way through. Such a lack of vision has kept me from even absorbing all that I have already done. To allow the accomplishments soak in and experience some level of true satisfaction. Of peace.
In that pause in my mind, I was able to recognize it all. To see the progress that I have made. To really look around and absorb everything that I have done... How different my life has become as a result of it. How much I actually like what I have managed to create. How little I actually have to be so anxious about. How much I have to be truly excited about and proud of in my life....
How far I still have to go.
I just need to figure out how to change my methods a little bit. This presence is something that I have truly been missing. I have experienced a serious amount of discomfort over the inability to be here.
It feels good to be back home.
=D
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