A Bit More Clarity

I know that my last post was both intense and vague. That makes sense, since I knew what I was feeling but was uncertain about the details that were contributing to it. Sadly, I have to say that the contributing factors have turned out to be rather more dull than you would probably care for.

In short: I am freaking out about actually being able to be a good therapist.

I know... kind of lame.

I have been spending the last year or so working my butt off to meet all of my pre-requisites for my practicum placement.  Which really translates to I have been taking the last few courses that I will get before I am actually put in a room with some poor soul who believes that I can help them with their lives.  What's more is that poor soul could have some things wrong with them that are going to be a really fucking challenge for me to tolerate and work with.  Examples? addicts, adolescents, schizophrenics, philanderers, narcissists, histrionics... just to name a few

In short, I have been flipping out about whether or not I will actually be able to benefit from this career at the same level that I hope to benefit others. Will I scar someone? Will I scar myself?

As a result, I have been doing my good old favorite standby of self sabotaging escapism and avoidance.

I haven't done my resume.
I haven't researched sites.
I haven't applied.
I haven't had the courage to unclench my eyes and look.

It is truly a scary thing.  To suddenly be standing on the precipice of all that you have dreamed of and wanted for so many years.  To suddenly see all of the threats to your success rather than the factors that contribute to its possibility.

I am emotional.
I can be judgemental.
I have some strong belief systems.
I am impatient.
I hate lazy people.
I am very good at self monitoring... not so good at other monitoring
I talk too much
I have an overly active imagination
I can be dramatic
I mean well, but tend to push too hard too fast


I know that these are common traits with a lot of novice therapists.  But it really scares me. I have been a client for so long that I recognize the importance of a strong therapist.  I worry about the reverse of that situation and its potential consequences. I mean I still remember sentences that my therapist from middle school said. I still remember how it felt to sit in her office. The therapy room and process is so poignant. Do I really dare to take control of it??

I know that this probably isn't terribly applicable for everyone. Yet, I do think that my months of emotional repression and distraction and funneling into others rather than into myself are things that we can all relate to.  Even if the underlying reason is very much unique to me (and a few thousand other graduate students in clinical psychology).

Just wanted to get that out.... It is a trickle of thought for now.... The dam will come undone pretty soon. I am getting there.