I am NOT Superwoman

I got into a bit of a tiff with my boyfriend on Thanksgiving. Ok. Not really a tiff so much as a "why the hell do you not understand why I am so fucking exhausted and worn thin" talk....

I explained to him that I don't like when people call me superwoman. It pisses me off. It makes me feel dehumanized. As though nobody seems to recognize that my life is driving me damn near the brink of insanity at least once every two weeks. I don't put up statuses about how busy I am to get props from people. I put them up in hopes that someone will be like "damn. she needs a break... maybe we should grab coffee or drink". Yet, I constantly get shit like "if anyone can do it, then you can" or "superwoman just got owned".... Screw you guys. That's not what I need.

I know that I can do it. It isn't an option. I have responsibilities that I do not intend to hang up the towel on. Nor do I have the option. However, it would be nice to get someone to go out of there way for me every now and again.

Hence what my disagreement with my boyfriend was about.

I go and go and go from 7am until 11pm (if I am lucky) damn near every day of the week. From chores to errands to bathtime to papers to cases to cooking to bedtime. It simply does NOT end. Every. There is no such thing as a real break that exists without some level of guilt for me. If I take a break to do something for me... It inevitably comes at the expense of sleep or responsibilities. Which catch up with me and bring me to the brink.


So, I will take whatever help I can get whenever I can get it and from whomever is offering... Unfortunately, few people offer.

I am recognizing the futility of my efforts in certain areas. I have accepted that the laundry will never stay done and the dishes will always be dirty. I have accepted that I will inevitably forget to brush my daughter's teeth at least twice a week. I have also come to terms with the reality that I cannot possibly read all of the chapters that my professors assign to me. It isn't possible if I value any of my sanity. I also cannot take on every damn case or job opportunity that comes my way. Nor can I be a mentor or head up a research team. I probably won't be able to go straight into my PhD. I can't afford it and my sanity probably won't permit it.

I also can't be the friend that is always touching base or trying to make plans. I can't be the perpetual hostess or provide the best Christmas presents to everyone that I care about. Some nights it is OK to bake cookies that aren't from scratch. It is also acceptable to just eat a mother fucking pizza when there is no food in the house.

I do not have to have a life for the record books. I just need to have a life that is worth living. One that I enjoy and find fulfillment in...

Sadly... there are few things that I do that are not because I feel like I have to.

I am so goal oriented it is despicable. It is the only way that I know how to function sometimes. I try to work on it buuut I am not always successful in my attempts. I think that blogging may be one of the few things that I do for no reason other than to let the negative energy out. Because that feels good.

I should do more of what feels good.... and find a way to not feel guilty for it.